It hurts.

I want to be like Effy from Skins.
I want to be this way because she seems like nothing gets to her.
She's bold.
She's got nothing to lose.
I wanna be like that.
Willing to speak my mind because there's nothing more to lose.
Keep everyone at arm's length because, well, why the fuck not?
They're gonna leave anyway!
I wanna be like Effy.

I want to be so like this woman that my friends call me by "Effy".
I know she's not a real person, but I want to be like her. Beautiful, distant, and...sarcastic.
Really, to be called Effy... would be an honor to me. Haha.

Already messed up....

I'm barely into my diet and messed up. It's freaking horrible. I'm so...weak. I hate it. Yes, I'm being hard on myself.

Lottie: I had loads of fun in the hotel (even though being with family and friend was the reasons I messed up a lot =/). I wish we could text, that'd be awesome. I sometimes tell my mom how many calories are in some fruit without even thinking about it. It usually helps her pick it as a healthier snack, though. ^^

Rachael: It would be so exciting and motivating to have you text me. I had a lot of fun, but didn't really stay strong. Although, I've changed my diet and I think I can stick with it now. Hopefully. =/

Proper dieting starts...tomorrow.

Not because I'm trying to be lazy, but because today has been screwed to all insanity. But this post isn't about that.
I want to thank all of you who are still supporting me. That's very lovely of you and I feel amazing. My almost-140-pound-ass does not deserve such lovely people to express such care about me.
Also, I will not be on, to the best of my knowledge, Monday or Tuesday. I'll ask my mom if the hotel has Wi-Fi. It has a pool, she thinks. Oh, it's got wi-fi, I might be online then (I'll bring the scale too, just in case they don't have one).
So, why didn't I think I'd be on? Anna and I might be going to the hotel with my mom when she goes off to her meeting.
You know what I wish? I wish we could all text each other. Text each other our weights, out plans for the day. Just become a CLOSER group. We're close, yes we are, but I wish we could be closer. Why? I get lonely and want someone to text up and say "Dang, I'm eating like a pig" and have them tell me to stop that.
Alright... Tomorrow, five hundred calories eaten. And a 30 minute walk (110).
My friend was reading Wintergirls over my shoulder and finally asked why there were numbers "randomly". Calories, my dear. That's how I think sometimes too, when I'm really into the counting of calories.

Comments:

Thank you Sammy, Rachael, and Nasimiyu. It's very encouraging to have people tell me that they aren't going to judge my change of decision.

P.S. For those of you wondering, I also run Choking On Glass. Just so that you guys know.

HellO

I've decided to tell you guys... I'm so sick and tired of trying to be healthy. I know, when I started this blog I was so excited. I was finally gonna get it right. Now, school's almost started. I wanna be smaller. I wanna be in control. Obviously, I'm gonna start controlling how I eat even more. I don't want to be fat again.
So, please support me even now that I'm not trying to "be healthy". It would mean the world to me. ^^

I'm not ready.

I have to quit cutting, I don't want to have to start eating again. I want to count the calories that force their way into my system.
Maybe it's reading Wintergirls that's making me this way or actually talking about it to one of my friends. I want people who keep me on track. People who text me every day, saying "You need to exercise, fatty" or something similiar. None of my friends will do that for me. I want someone to tell me how they're diet is going so I can get jealous and try harder. I want someone... I want someone who pushes me. Who never tells me how great I'm doing. It's a lot to ask for, but I mean, I wanna push myself now.
I'm becoming a mess again. And I love it. When I do sit-ups, my spine grinds into the floor and it hurts and it's so lovely.
Any of you wanna help me be a mess?

You can e-mail me at chokingonglass@hotmail (no, I haven't changed e-mail) for my phone number, if you want. Just tell me who you are when you e-mail me.

Otherwise, I've been lovely. I told one of my friends about how I don't eat much. Now I need to live up to that.

Kes: I can't really tell you how my face looks. I think it's fat, but my dad once said my face is gaunt from "all of that puking" (I don't puke and never have). I usually end up with split ends too. My hair just grows out a lot before I get them, so I go back and have my hair cut to how it was before it grew out.

I love messing with my hair.

I hair spray it, dye it, tease it, gel it, and just generally mess with it. I make it look what I see as adorable, but normal people see are completely odd. But I wanna get it cut like the picture below.

No that color, I'm hoping of talking Mommy into pink hair with blue streaks. So, what's you guys opinion on the style?

Speaking of my hair, this lady was going into Game Stop and I heard her in the parking lot. "...And especially with that hair." I smirked after that. I'm sure she was talking about the mess on my head.  It was great. I'm sure it was something like "How could her mother take her out like that? Especially with that hair?" Because I was also dressed a little oddly.

Kes: I don't remember which one I used, to be honest. Haha. I've made one. Well, actually, Anna made it and brought it over to my house. I started shaking when I used it and I didn't stop until, like, ten minutes later. It was just my hand that was shakey too, which was kind of weird at the time. I'm not really sure if ours was what anyone would consider "safe" but Anna tried to make it safe, haha. See, I dunno what religion I am anymore, which I think is a natural young teen thing to go through at least once, but I love the thought of magick and Ouija boards and Tarot cards and just all of it in general. Haha.

Alright, now I'm gonna go get ready for church because I'm bisexual and obviously in need of the Lord's saving. I think that's what my mom thinks about me anyway. O.O

Food, cousins, that insane urge to text the one you love at insane times.

Alright, so I played with an online Ouija board. I know, I need to stay away from those things. They make it so I'm jumpy and paranoid. And apparently make me itch enough that I claw at my skin. I wanna text Cassie, want her to tell me it's just something stupid. Even if it is one in the morning. She has to be awake, right. AH! My foot vibrated! Heh heh, I'll be ok. I'm sure! Yeah, doesn't help that my idiot Wiccan friend told me he put a fuckin demon in my room.
Food? Well today I had the egg white of TWO hard boiled eggs, TWO small slices of cake, and one nasty, huge taco. I was trying to fast. Fail.
My cousins have been at my grandma's house for...three days. Three. Days. Two of which I went out to my grandma's and had everyone watching me like a hawk (not really, it just felt like that).
It's gonna be hard, later today, when I have to eat more cake.