Have to eat today.

Cassie and I made a deal.
She didn't smoke pot last night, I have to eat today.
I told her that she may wanna try everything once, but she has to have limits.
Addiction runs in our families.
For that reason, I won't touch alcohol (or anything else).
So...She didn't and now I have to eat.
I'm happy, but at the same time, I wanna cheat.
I don't want to eat today.
Maybe tomorrow?
No, no, I have to.
I said I would.

Just because she isn't here to make sure I don't doesn't mean I can go without eating.
It doesn't help that I'm looking at thinspo.
I believe I told her I would eat today. Period.
Not that I'd eat "normally".
So, two meals, no snacks.
At the very worst this should be 800 calories.
My wrists are starting to lose their boney look.
I like them when they look boney.
I can wrap my thumb and index finger  around them and they touch.
Not overlap, not yet, just touch. Really easily.
I love, love, love littering my blog with pictures. I kinda feel like they express my mood better than my words do.
I...Last night made me realize that I really do love Cassie. I don't want her to do anything that could harm her long-term. I...I really wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her she didn't need that shit and that she's different, which is an art and a beauty.
I feel like I should apologize for the pot bashing I'm doing, but I don't really care.
In case you can't tell, I'm lonely today. It pretty much sucks.

Oh! My family says I'm getting thinner. So why am I not losing weight? Why?!
Mini-fit over.

I've Decided.

I like being in school than on break.
Why?

I only feel the need to eat one meal during school.
See, at lunch, I feel like everyone is watching me eat. So I don't eat lunch at school.
Don't have time for breakfast in the morning.
Sometimes, when I was feeling "ok" I ate a snack after school.
That usually led to stomach pains.
Then, a salad for supper.
I'm sick of salad.
I want a huge, fatty hamburger.
Thank goodness I've decided to be a vegetarian.
No huge, fatty hamburger for Alex.
Stayed the night at Anna's the day before yesterday.
Anna stayed here last night.

Anna is turning 15 on the 22.
I'm thinking...of fasting at least one day before Anna's birthday.
Starting tomorrow.
Also, Cassie knows about how I dislike eating.
She'll be at Anna's party.
I have to restrict my eating in front of her.
That way she'll believe me when I tell her that it's so hard to eat.
I'm also going to look super emo in front of her.
Why?
Her and her friends have this thing going where they make fun of emos. And I consider myself to be emo.
It's a fashion. That's all.
Cassie told me cutters are idiots. Maybe we are, but it's not her place to say.
From what Anna says, Cassie pierces her skin whenever she's stressed out.
We cut, you pierce. What's the huge difference? Internal bleeding compared to external?
Yes, this means a new post on my other blog.
Cassie does little that eats way at me.
Telling me I'm an idiot for cutting is one of them.
She doesn't know my story. She can't even remember the part where she was a big part of it.
The physical pain releases the pains that are emotional that I can't get out in the ways I know how. Does that make me an idiot?
I suppose it could.
I want to tell Cassie all my plans.
How I want to starve and fast for nearly a week.
But I only have one bar of battery.
If I text her, it shouldn't be about such sad things.
I may send her a text that says "You know that no matter how bad I hurt myself, I love you, right?"
If she asks why I say that, I may tell her that I'm the idiot not planning to eat for a couple days.
But it's not idiotic.
It's skinny.

Nasimiyu: Hi! I believe this is your first comment on my blog! That's super exciting to see a new name! I kinda don't hope my new therapist is better because the old one was pretty good. In less than a year, with once a month visits, she made me want to believe that I was a worth while person. I have to be pretty to be worthwhile. I type that even as I take a gulp of sugar and other gross things invested soda.

 

Lottie: I think it's because she was in shock that she didn't react to me saying that I don't eat much.

P.S. I have re-fallen in love with Harry Potter. Yeahh

P.S.S. Ok, Cassie is usually going on about how stoners suck and how straight edge (meaning she won't do drugs) she is. Now she's tried pot. Well, then, since you get to be an idiot, then I get to be one. You smoke it, I'll cut. Fucking happy? She was my only reason to not cut.

Hey, Alex, Let's Play A Game

Let's see how long we can go without...that before they notice.
I'm down with this.
One day, two days?
Maybe more?
So, therapy today.
"You need to take your pills every day."
"Are you eating right?"
"Not on diet pills?"
Lied through the psychiatrist appointment, but told my therapist everything. Difference? Dad wasn't around with my therapist.
I really just wanted to tell someone.
She didn't seem to take it seriously when I told her that a year ago I could tell you everything I had eaten and every calorie in it.
Today, I was under 900, I know that I was.
I'm a good girl.
My Cassie still makes my heart race. Over TEXTS. Text messages! It's this... heart racing, wanna keep typing so you'll keep replying, woah I feel amazing feeling. She makes me happy. And she's straight.
But she made me think about the future and that scared me.
I wanted to not think about the future for the longest time, but she made me.
Wanna know what I want in ten years?
A son
to be either in college or out of college
a husband or at least someone who loves me
my own little store where I can sell cookies, cupcakes, little bears, and just cute little things
And friends who just love me.
I don't see the people in my life now as being in my world in ten years except I really want Cassie and Anna in my life and they're amazing people.
I'm watching the dramafest that is Teen Mom.
It really scares me about getting pregnant, not that I'm not already scared about getting pregnant. I'm scared of getting pregnant because...then I'd want to eat. Then I wouldn't be able to just live for me.
Okay...So I just realized how immature I feel and I think that's why moving on scares me. I want to go back. Not forward. Because forward may mean another day where I skip another meal, another day where I feel fat, another month of feeling worthless, another year where I'm up and down and on a complete roller-coaster. The past, I know what happened then. I want to go back. To before J.P. happened. Because I love Cassie and Anna and we were the perfect trio.
So...I feel so weird because I don't know what to do.


Kes: Alright, my therapist did not even really...react when I told her that I that I hadn't eaten lunch the last month of school. I suppose I should have mentioned that most mornings I didn't eat breakfast either. But after your rant, I won't expect too much from my new therapist.

P.S. My current therapist is being moved to just Drug and Alcohol counseling. I'm pretty bummed out about it, but it'll be cool. I'll be meeting a new person. They're also trying to get me into a socializing class. Like..to teach me how to better socialize with people because socializing makes me really nervous. 

Sorry For Not Blogging Much.

Okay, first, I got ALL four of my wisdom teeth removed, now I'm having a reaction to the antibiotic and the allergy meds make me feel sick.
But I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, so I'm thinking too much.
Told my mom that I skipped lunch most of the last month of school. Wanna know what she did?
Nothing.
So...Liquid fast until I have to eat?
Sounds hot.
Also, I've been thinking.
Some days, I'm fine being the average weight girl who sleeps perfectly at night.
Other days, I wanna eat under 300 calories for days on end so I'm that girl who wakes up dazed, thinking she's in the hospital because she finally passed out.
I wanna get up and almost fall back down because I'm dizzy.
Oh, with Cassie...I finally asked her out.
It went...not well.
"I'm not going out with you."
"I don't love you, Alex. And I never will."
"I'm sorry."
There are cuts on my legs where I just went crazy.
It hurt so much to read those words.
It was the pain pills I took that had me ask her out.
So why am I still in love?
I've decided that it would be cool to meet people who went to therapy for the same reasons I'm doing it. Cutting and starving. I think I'd fit in, finally.
Still about 131,130,129. Need. Lower. Number. Now.



Lottie It's a very odd feeling, but it's become more comforting. Like, it's relaxed a little, so it's just...there. So it's comforting. Because it means something knows when I curl up on my bed and just...cry.

P.S. My computer is also broken, so I have to use the one in the living area. So I can't really read your blogs except off my phone. :/

I eat as normal as I can

So why is my grandma asking if I puke what I eat?
And if I even eat?
No one asked when I didn't eat enough! Now, I exercise two days in a row and eat like a normal person, and people wonder if I'm not eating.
What the hell?
I'm 130 pounds. That's "healthy". Sorry I got sick of being fat, so I did something about it!
Ohhh, I see that I have 10 followers. That's so epic. I love you guys.
Also, I may not post for a few days. I'm getting my wisdom teeth ripped out of my face later today.
Uhm... I feel like I should say more about my day...
 Cassie and I talked like all day. I love it. I love this woman too much.
She tells me I'm gorgeous and I want so desperately to believe her. 

Oh, oh, have I mentioned that I come from a Christian family? I think I have. Well, I do. Grew up with the romantic idea of guardian angels. Which is funny because I spent time tonight looking up demons. Why? Because I believe in them and because when I wasn't friends with J.R. he supposedly summoned on to torture me. Only...in the time frame that he said he summoned it, my life got BETTER
See a problem?
So, I demanded that he tell me all he knows about it. Waiting for that reply.
But, other than Anna being scratched for laying in this spot on my bed that we refer to as "its spot" and me waking up with teeth prints on my arm when I slept in a different room, nothing has happened. And he says this is one bad ass demon. It's not that I want something terrifying to happen, I'm just scratching my head going, "What? Did it take a liking to me?"
Now, J.R. is depressed. He says this demon is supposed to cause misery. I still feel watched in my room, but it's more calm, relaxed and just like "oh, hey, I'm here." ish.
Sorry, most of you don't care and it's not that exciting of a story, but I felt like typing tonight.
What I'm getting at is I long ago gave up on believing any angel would want to watch over me. But maybe not this-this...thing. Usually, with Anna, I call it a monster, but that sounds so cruel and judging. I refuse to be judgmental of something that's never hurt me.
Wow, long post. Sorry.



P.S. WOOOO!!! TEN FOLLOWERS!!

After Two Weeks,

It hurts like when I started.
Tonight, I calmed myself down. With my razor.
I'm a weak child.
Let's just say it.
WEAK FUCKING CHILD.
I'm kinda disappointed, but not really.
Cassie was my reason to not do it and when that NEED to do it hit hard...she wasn't there. I love this bitch and she can't talk me out of cutting? To think, we were "BFF"s at one time...

Just got done exercising

I took an hour to burn about 80 calories. And then went to McDonald's and got a fruit parfait (190) and a small powerade (100) added to my total of 440. This puts me at 730 for the consumed. And I still need to eat supper.
But my net would beeee 650. I need to eat a little more. For my Cassie and for being healthy. But I feel all nice and full~