Hey, Alex, Let's Play A Game

Let's see how long we can go without...that before they notice.
I'm down with this.
One day, two days?
Maybe more?
So, therapy today.
"You need to take your pills every day."
"Are you eating right?"
"Not on diet pills?"
Lied through the psychiatrist appointment, but told my therapist everything. Difference? Dad wasn't around with my therapist.
I really just wanted to tell someone.
She didn't seem to take it seriously when I told her that a year ago I could tell you everything I had eaten and every calorie in it.
Today, I was under 900, I know that I was.
I'm a good girl.
My Cassie still makes my heart race. Over TEXTS. Text messages! It's this... heart racing, wanna keep typing so you'll keep replying, woah I feel amazing feeling. She makes me happy. And she's straight.
But she made me think about the future and that scared me.
I wanted to not think about the future for the longest time, but she made me.
Wanna know what I want in ten years?
A son
to be either in college or out of college
a husband or at least someone who loves me
my own little store where I can sell cookies, cupcakes, little bears, and just cute little things
And friends who just love me.
I don't see the people in my life now as being in my world in ten years except I really want Cassie and Anna in my life and they're amazing people.
I'm watching the dramafest that is Teen Mom.
It really scares me about getting pregnant, not that I'm not already scared about getting pregnant. I'm scared of getting pregnant because...then I'd want to eat. Then I wouldn't be able to just live for me.
Okay...So I just realized how immature I feel and I think that's why moving on scares me. I want to go back. Not forward. Because forward may mean another day where I skip another meal, another day where I feel fat, another month of feeling worthless, another year where I'm up and down and on a complete roller-coaster. The past, I know what happened then. I want to go back. To before J.P. happened. Because I love Cassie and Anna and we were the perfect trio.
So...I feel so weird because I don't know what to do.


Kes: Alright, my therapist did not even really...react when I told her that I that I hadn't eaten lunch the last month of school. I suppose I should have mentioned that most mornings I didn't eat breakfast either. But after your rant, I won't expect too much from my new therapist.

P.S. My current therapist is being moved to just Drug and Alcohol counseling. I'm pretty bummed out about it, but it'll be cool. I'll be meeting a new person. They're also trying to get me into a socializing class. Like..to teach me how to better socialize with people because socializing makes me really nervous.