Hungry... maybe...

I tell myself, if I can deny the fact that I've only had 122.5 calories all day. From 6:30 this morning until 3:30 this afternoon. With an epically long nap from 11ish to 2:30ish.
In Driver's Training, I got so many compliments about my hair. They were mainly from not-that-close friends who probably felt like they had to say something. It's too short, makes me look boyish,but when I feel how soft and fluffy it is, well, that might make everything worth it.
Haven't weighed myself.
Let me clarify my rant from last night.
J.R. makes me want to hurt myself because I want to hurt him, but realize nothing will change if I hurt him. The scars left on me might make him think twice before he say something like that to someone else. He told me I'm better off dead when we were arguing and J.P. was making me seem like an awful person. J.R. isn't really a bad person, he's just useable. Too bad for him he said somethings to me that make me literally scared of him, even if he never threatened me.
Then I told Anna I was in that kind of mood. So she continued on about how he was drunk texting her and then "Oh the wonder a shower and cup of coffee can work" and how he sobered up a little, at least enough to text right.

Sorry for swearing in my last post. I was just so frustrated. They're size 3 shorts...and I can't even button them. Most people would shrug this off, think something like "Maybe I just have large hipbones" or even "Maybe this brand just makes their shorts small" but I do not. I think "Damn I'm fat" and choke back tears. I've worked so hard, but it's not enough. Not yet.
Also, this post has couple pictures because I wanna feel loved sometime.
 Oh, in July, I am giving up junk food with Anna. I'm thinking about giving up cutting and burning at the same time, not that I've told anyone but you guys.

Kes: I wanna get snake bites or angel bites done. And I'd have to have a friend do it for me or do it myself. I would love to have it done by a pro, but I would have to have my parents, who are completely against it, take me, which wouldn't happen. Thank you for believing I'm strong. It means a lot that I can have people believe that.

Gianni: Thank you. I haven't been able to quit yet, but I'm hoping I can. I can see my future without it, so that makes me want to. Sadly, I don't think I'd be able to buy anything off eBay without my parent's knowledge.

lissa: Scars do suck. Especially if you have to come up with an explanation as to why you have so many because, unless you held onto a really ticked off cat, you can't have that many cat scratches. And thank you for reminding me that it's ONLY ten pounds. For some reason it seems larger and like it'll take forever when I think about it.


P.S. I have summer goals which I'll post...somewhere. Haha. Keep an eye out for that.
P.S.S. I announced to my parents the other day that I wanna be an actress. I don't know if that's true, but it sounds fun.

DOES IT GET EASIER?
Does it honestly get easier to deal with the "friend" who told you, knowing you're a cutter, that you're better for the world dead? For some reason tonight, I don't like him. The mention of J.R. makes me wanna harm myself. Because I want to hurt him. I've told Anna this, but she goes on about how he's drunk and oh look he sobered up. The only drunk I can tolerate is my crush because he's cute drunk (and all the time). Hey, Anna, do these one-word replies mean nothing to you? THERE WE GO! Something other than him. That's a good girl.
I'll reply to comments tomorrow when I'm on the computer.
Went over my limit.
130 instead of 129 now.
Got size 3 OP shorts that don't fuckin fit.
Today's a bad day.
Need to start running in the mornings.
Need to fit into those shorts.
Need sleep.

Lookie, now I can pester you guys mobilely also.
anyway, just on to say 191.5 calories. THAT'S ALL I've had. And I took a nap after (bad). SO I'm shakey. It's ok. I'm enjoying it. It's...fun almost. The world around me seems light, almost fluffy. Bet I'm below 129.
When I reach 120, I'm gonna peirce my lip. Even if I have to hide it from my parents. When I hit 120, I'll be lighter, thinner, and probably able to fit into this skirt I have. When I'm 120, I'll walk around school, scars showing, and not give a DAMN that they think I'm weak. Because I'll be stronger than all of them.

Lottie: I hope they quit pestering me too. If you want to do it, then you should. If anything, you can say it as a fun way to kill calories. I feel amazing. Maybe that's why I thought I was ready for recovery. I feel amazing hungry.

Haven't eaten, had anything to drink, haven't taken my pills yet.

And I'm already posting. I'm still tired. Had TWO nightmares last night and after the second one I couldn't sleep. While I was dreaming it, it wasn't a "THIS IS SCARY" dream. Apparently it bothered me, though.
So, I'm planning about 300 calories today. I just need that losing weight feeling. I need that "If I push on the ground too hard, I'll fly" feeling.
Yes. I want to be so light.
When did this start again? I don't remember. I think I needed some control with J.P. and it just appeared...but that's not a when.
Now, though, it's a "I just...need to feel this" and, yep, it's twisted.
Now, it's a need. A need to see ribs, to fit into a size 1, to go to the pool and everyone be jealous, a need to dance in the rain and look cute. A need to not feel like a fat whale. I know I'm not, but I feel like I am.
Alright, I'm gonna try to go back to sleep.

Lottie: Oh my gosh, I'm sorry I made you cry. =(

Life Left To Go

By SafetySuit
Is beautiful.
And the mask you put on
It's like words in a song
But there's more to be seen
And the failures you see
Don't seem failures to me here at all   So a pain grows inside
And a fear comes alive
Like you'll never be free
But there's no pain you feel
That I know love can't heal here at all  I just hope I can find you
And tell you that I know you'll smile again 



Yes, I gave you guys my favorite parts of the song. It's so...hopeful. Yet it has that sad sound to it. I just...love it.
Alright, so, I'm gonna go to bed.

Sorry about the blank post.

I tried to post from my mobile internet and it...became blank. I don't remember why I was posting, but I'll come up with a new reason.
I dreamed I was my crush's (who we'll get letters to soon) girlfriend. I spent most of the dream tucked under his arm. I loved it. Not gonna happen if I keep eating TWO SLICES of stuffed crust pizza. Probably won't happen at all.

My hair is now black. See? Stolen straight from my FB account. This is me, Black hair, 129 pounds huge.
I probably had the same calories as a "normal" person who watches what they eat (probably like 1300, icckky). Blaming it on the fact that Anna was here.
OH! I hung out with Cassie yesterday. And my crush who isn't named. I hung out with my crushes. <3
And I've decided. I'm done eating "normally" and panicking over weight gain, even though I know I'm "healthy". I wanna stand and be dizzy. I wanna drop pounds like they're...Something. Haha. I've always been happier hungrier. If I stop now, I'll never hit 120. I'll got back to 150 or 170 or HIGHER. I'll never be 120, 114, 110. I'll never feel collar bones, ribs. I'll never lose that baby face I have. I'll... Well, I'll be stunted in the things I can do!
So, I'm taking away one thing. Eating normally. From now on, I'll never have more than 500 calories. I'll have breakfast (starts the metabolism) and maybe dinner. No snacks. If I can help it, no lunch. I need (want) to drop weight, to enter my second year of high school being no more than 120 pounds. Meaning 120 or lower by the end of summer (August 16). Fuckin' doable. If not, I'm pitiful.

Lottie: That's a good question. Why would I want to hurt myself? It makes me happy. Which is, you know, twisted. To feel that pain in my stomach, on my legs, my wrists, where ever the pain has decided to be, makes me smile. Today, I've decided I may as well be productive if I'm gonna find a way to hurt myself. And I always picture myself thinner. I always picture myself as that chickie who, when I walk by, people turn and stare because they have to make sure that the thing that just went by wasn't a ghost, but keep staring because they're A) jealous or B) imaging me being their girlfriend. I think most gals what that, but I'm out to GET IT.

Americaneagle: I am SO sorry I made you worry. I was gonna delete it and thought "No, no one will think anything of it" and I'm sorry I was wrong and made you worry.AND HO MY GOSH! I'll super miss you. =(

from 129 to 136.

What does this say?
Alex needs a better diet.
(Or to forget to eat.)
Alex needs to exercise
(for hours).
Alex just needs to learn that she will never win.
One day, she'll not eat, be perfectly happy until she realizes that this is considered a disorder.
Then she decides "Oh, I have to get better".
Then she gains weight.
And panickks because she's weak.
Then she wants to lose it.
So, Alex starts eating a lot better.
Then she starts eating less.
And, in the week, she's down to 500 calories.
All because she thought "getting better" was something she could keep up.
All because she isn't really better.
Recovery is possible.
Am I ready, though?

The more I try to get better, and become what I thought was comfortable, the more I think I'm doing this to prove to those of you out there who want to get better that it's possible to do. The more it feels normal to eat more, the more it seems wrong. The more summer passes, the more I feel like days are wasted because I'm not losing weight. I feel...trapped into getting better just to help those who think they can't. See, I'm young, I'm dumb, and worst of all, I want to be losing weight like this. I feel part of this community, but only barely and I don't like it. I want to be a bitch because I haven't had more than 200 calories for seven days. I want to... learn to fall (because my "recovery" was learning to fly) and I want to fall down, down, down. I want to scream piercingly as I fall, with laughter thrown it.
Worst of all, I looking for someone to say "Go Ahead".