Sorry for being MIA

 I just don't know what to say anymore.
One of my friends, E.S., confirmed my worst fear.
I'm in love.
She makes my heart race, my throat tries to close up around her, but I love it when she smiles and laughs because of me.
She makes me want to hold her and not let go for a long time.
But she's straight and, it doesn't matter what my sexuality is, that won't change.
It's okay.
She's beautiful.
And if I got too much closer, she may realize that I'm nothing more than a mess.
She'd realize that I only had two, medium-sized pancakes with some syrup(252), a mango and pineapple smoothie from McDonald's(210), a small cinnamon roll(180), some chips(probably 10)  and a donut from Casey's(315, gag!).
She'd realize that it's under 1000 calories(967, to be exact), because I'd be compelled to tell her.


Lottie, I've been told not to tell my dad until I'm out of the house, but if  he's seen my sceensaver on my computer, he knows I'm not exactly straight...or really into gay and bi pride. Haha.


P.S. No more donuts. They be unhealthy and wasted calories.

Still Alive

And I told her. She'll tell Dad.
I may not be alive then.
I'm happy though.
Kinda numb too.
I've been worrying, almost puking, all day.
Just to be told that she loves me even if I consider myself bisexual.
I wanted to correct her.
I don't consider myself it.
I AM.
But I wasn't pushing my luck.
I'm so happy.
Lovely.
That's how this is.
Hey, it's technically a day before my birthday, too.
Awesome!
Happy early birthday, me.
She kinda wondered when I said I was gonna ask the teachers to call me Alex.
Alex can be a girl name. :/
She said she'd even love me if I considered myself transgender.
Whatever, so long as she isn't kicking me out into the storm.
I'm excited. Totally.
Cassie was there, spiritually, the whole time.
I'm falling even more for that woman.



P.S. Mommy was really happy I told her, too. Even said that most kids wouldn't tell their parents if they thought they were.

I wanna tell my mom...

I want to come out, tell her I'm the only not straight child she has.
I want to, really, honestly, but I don't want to see her cry.
I love my mommy.
She says she loves me.
I don't know if I would be able to stand it if she started hating me because I'm bi and had the nerve to tell her.
I actually started tearing up at the thought. I'm terrified that she'll hate me.
I'm turning fifteen in days.
I don't know if I should tell her.
Will she just think it's a phase?
What if I told her that I loved my best friend from before we met?
I hate this
Why can't I walk in there and go "I'm fuckin bisexual! Deal with it!" and move on with life?
Why does it have to be hard?
I love that I am.
It makes me feel that I'm open to being loved more.
Would she not only hate me but blame herself??
I wanna think I'm fine with being bi, but how can I be when I can't even tell my mom?
I can tell all my friends, tell you guys, let myself smile even as I think it...but I can't storm out there and go "Mommy, I'm bi."
Three words. I can't do it.
"Mom, I love you. And I'm bi."
"Hey, Mom, can we talk? Uhm, I know you're a good Christian mom, and your kids reflect you, but I just wanted you to know, I'm bi."
"Mom, it's my birthday and I wanted you to know that I'm bi. It's taken me a year to decide how to tell you."
"Mom, remember that month J.P. lived with us? We were dating. I'm bi."
So many ways to say it...only I don't know how to.
My Anna is bisexual and knows her family would disown her.
They're hardcore.
"Mom, you know how I'm a vegetarian? I'm also bi."
Although they have nothing to do with each other.
"Hi, Mom, I'm bi." *walk away quickly*
Now I'm thinking of humorous ways to do it. :/
Fail.
AlexFail.
I'm gonna do this.
Even if it is on the way to our shopping trip and not today.
"Mom, I'm turning fifteen soon and I want you to know I love you very much, but I'm also bi. You need to know this. I would like it if you could accept it, too."
Maybe that would work.

Lottie: I'm sorry. On the preview it doesn't show the follow button either. Weirddd.I wish I knew any way to help, but I just can't think of anything.


P.S. I can do this. I know I can. No doubts anymore more. I'll sit down with her while she's trying to write her paper and just...tell her. I can do this.

I hate this.

Cassie has so much control over me without even realizing it.
I love her enough to eat.
I love her enough to not cut.
I love her to the point I'm excited for the texts.
I hate that I love her enough that I'm almost crying because GUESS FUCKING WHAT, I LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND is basically what she told me the other day.
She said she had to tell me that she loves me because she tells Anna all the time.
We're like a family.
Except I love her. 
It's stupid, masochistic, tiring,
so why can't I just let it go?
Am I hoping?
How far can hope get you?
Not far because it's so fragile.
Everything, it seems, crushes it like the wuss it is.

I don't want to think about what I've eaten today.
Because Lexi and Alex would both agree.
Meaning I probably went over 500, but did it unhealthily.

Lottie: I decided to pretend forgive her. She mentioned being almost suicidal because of it and I do not want anyone's death on my conscience. I just don't know if it really was the right thing to do because there's no way we can actually go back being OH MY GOTH, YOU'RE AWESOME!
There's too much pain there.


P.S. I hate posting about love here.
P.S.S. Alex has made ANOTHER blog. This one is all things I want to say to Cassie (who I'll tell the real name of there) but don't have the balls to do. It is.... I Want You To Know. I was totally inspired by Rachael's Letters To Kelsey. I guess you don't have to read it, but it is gonna be my favorite of my blogs. Haha

Soooo....

I stared at this post, all blank and stuff. I couldn't think of anything to post, just that I should.
But what is there to say anymore? It's all been said before.
I'm in love with a straight chick who would hate herself if she wasn't.
My best friend is basically oblivious that I'm ever actually upset.
My mom's decided to become very discriminating lately

My dad asks me if I puke my food.
My brothers are hardly part of my life.
Hey, Cassie, can you make me feel like I have someone I'm close to.
Oh, wait, I do have some news.
E.S., who is now on the People tab, came to me, begging for my forgiveness, saying that she still thinks of me as a sister.
I never thought of her like that.
She told me that J.P. lies.
I dealt with J.P. for six years, but apparently didn't know that.
She begged for my forgiveness for hours.
I hate begging, but needed sleep.
So I said that I need time to heal and that if she's willing to deal with me while I do, then she deserves to hang out with me when I am all healed up.
She also tried to tell me that J.P. was nicer now.
I say bullshit. that's great.
People like J.P. are manipulative and brats and can't change.
She said J.P. left me to see if I would fall.
I'm stronger than both of them.
See these fuckin scars E.S.?
You helped the ones on my arm appear.
J.P. caused that amount of stress that caused me to first pick up the glass, to first torture myself.
Now, guess what?
I'm stronger than how you two left me. Colder, maybe, but also stronger.
I can tell you no.
I can scream at you for ticking me off.
I can, and probably will, remind you of your mistakes.
Because I doubt you've ever been suicidal.
I almost was, once...Okay, a few times.
I imagined how all that blood would feel exiting my body.
But I have too much to live for after this lame high school.
Too much life.
 Long post... Bleh.

I've only had one meal...and few snacks.

I'm guessing I'm under 800, at the most.
Really, I don't know what's up anymore. Where's down? How am I?
Am I healthy? Am I ill?
Should I be taking these pills (the drugs they put me on)? Should I let them go?

My wrist is terribly scarred. My right one feels left out.
Am I really alive?
Or is this a trick?
Is this really my heartbeat? Or is it yours?
To seem more sane, I'm going to tell facts.
Cassie told me she worries she's gay or bi...everyday.
She said she'd hate herself if she was.
I cried.
It felt like someone was ripping out my soul.
It's because, the reason she worries, is because she had a crush on me...in the past.
I told her to forget it if it was such a problem.

I told her to think of things that made her happy, let me worry about the shit that slits throats if you don't worry about it.
I told her it was awful to hate yourself based on which gender you're attracted to.
My heart broke.
Yet I was reminded why I say I love her.
She makes me feel. Period.
No one makes me feel as much as she can.
Next time I see her, I'll want to kiss her.
I know because  I wanted to the last time.
But I'll restrain. Because she's Cassie and she's straight. And she'll never be mine. Because life is like that.

Life hates me sometimes.

Kes: I don't really care that your comment was really long. It made me feel less alone. It was awesome. ^^

This post is from a text message, so it sucks. But I just want you guys to know that to me, Anna and Cassie seemed like angels. Only, I guess once you go through hell you can't be an angel. But they're one thousand times stranger than I am.
Last night, I told Cassie that she doesn't deserve the questions her dad was ask, the way he was talking bad about her mom, none of his fucking drunk talk. Only I didn't cuss. I hate drinking like you wouldn't believe. Anyway, I said I wished I could say the right thing, do the right thing, just to make her happier. I mean, I love her. She's one of the most amazing parts of my world...And I can't do anything, but sit back and watch.
Alright, post about life from Anna's house. I'm sorry for pouring all this on you guys. :/

I scare myself.

I almost had a liquid fast. Woke up around 11 and it took until three to realize that I was hungry. It was a serious struggle to drink the Dr. Pepper. When I stood to get food, my vision started to go black. When I did talk myself into eating, all I had was a slice of bread with some of this dip on it. I'm guessing the solids equal to 120.
All day, this has been ringing through my ears: "But what if you get hungry?"
Oh and "What if we get hungry? There's FOOD out there." 

See, everyone goes on about how Cassie is so inspiring as an anorexic ("I didn't eat for three day so I could be lovely"), but her roommate, who doesn't say much, expressed all of my feelings in one episode.
Haha, I find it funny that the friend I fell in love with...I used the name Cassie for. Was that a reminder to myself? To be good? Haha, my world seems so sick sometimes.

I'm in one of those moods. Where the world feels wonderful. I have to wonder if it's because I haven't eaten enough. If it is, I'm completely fine with this lovely feeling. I'm fine with the way it makes me cold, makes the world seem too loud, too bright, makes everything too funny. Sure, I may have to wrap myself in a blanket, where I'll fall asleep, and end up wasting it, but at least here and now, I'm happy, excitable.
I believe I'm going to watch Skins some more today. Then maybe take my medication. For real. I'll be willingly medicating myself. Wait...wasn't I doing it willingly anyway? But I quit...because I blamed my lack of creativity on it. Now, though, I'm feeling too alive. I need to come down. Yeah, yeah, so I'll take it. To come down. To be a person, not a bird.
I have to wonder...how would Mommy and Daddy react if I told them everything? I'm bi. I hate eating. I don't know what religion I am, I just know it's not Christianity. Would they brush it away, like with the cutting? Worry for a little bit and then...nothing? Really, I don't know. I can't even guess.
So, I'm gonna watch more Skins! Hehe.

Lottie: I love, love, love your comments. Even if they are long. Actually, I think I like it better when they're long. It gives me something to do and makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. And comments, in general, just make me smile. To be a healthy BMI from where I started, I only really had to lose 5 pounds, but I felt that even though the BMI said I was healthy, I was still fat. I've never had a real, true blue binge. Which I feel so lucky about. Actually, most of the weight I take off by starving, I can keep off when eating normally. Which I think is REALLY cool, but REALLY weird.

P.S. It's raining here. And I have tiny wrists. Which I love. I love my tiny wittle wristies.  I'm gonna leave before I decide to say something stupid...again.

Life is so messed up.

Half the time I feel perfectly fine. The other half, I feel like Cassie's (from Skins, UK version) roommate. But what if you get hungry?
Half the time eating feels pure, like without it I'm just one messed up person. The other half of the time, it feels like the worst sin of them all.
Half the time I don't know what I'm thinking when I say, "Ice cream please" or "How about recovery?" because all I really want to do is curl up in my room and say "No, thank you. I'm not hungry right now. I'll eat later."
This summer was supposed to be about not eating.
Then I made it about getting better.
Well fuck that. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine.
I just need to lose a little bit of weight. Then I'll be perfect.
Maybe it's the whole blogging thing. Makes me feel like I'm under a microscope, makes me bigger.
But I'm OK, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I'm not hungry. That pain in my abdominal area is not hunger.
Besides, I'm a healthy weight, no one worries otherwise. If they see that nothing's wrong, why should I believe something is?
Totally sane.

Camille: I swear, if I have to have a meal, breakfast is the only one I would want. Then you have to worry about skipping dinner because you can only have one meal, otherwise you take in too many calories. Well, that's how it is here. Even if I have a salad for supper, I have to pretty it up and make it fattening. Because I come from a house of fat people. I can't believe I gave up on my fast just because some waffles tasted like heaven. You're comment got me so motivated...and then I saw the waffles...and today went downhill from there.

Lottie: I had a lovely day watching Skins. I went from episode, like, three to the end of episode nine. And it was funny because tonight when I was watching the episode, my mom was watching over my shoulder, so I pulled the headphones out of the computer because no one had cursed in a little while...and everyone, basically, in the course of five seconds drops the F-bomb about twenty times.

P.S. I can't believe how fast my mindset about things change. This morning I'm eating CANDY bars like their air and this evening I'm thinking "Why the FUCK didn't you starve? You're a lazy whore, that's why. You should be above this. Then again, you've only lost about twenty-seven pounds IN A YEAR! Most can do that in two months. But nooo, it takes Alex a year." And so on. It's...odd. I wonder...when will I be avoiding eating just to keep that hatred at bay...will I feel empty-headed and light? Will I...you know, dance in the rain, be weird, laugh at my own jokes like a child? Will I be so hungry that the world fades away and all that is left is...light? I've always wondered, thought, considered how life would be if I were just a little more hungry.
So... I guess I'll just ignore food until everything seems...like a fairy wonderland. I had that feeling once or twice before. It was a fun, feathery, light, happy feeling.

So, I woke up feeling like I was gonna die. I did the Alex wuss thing. I got a waffle. It was actually really good. Food hasn't tasted good in a long time. Maybe this is a sign? That I shouldn't give up on being "better" and "healthy" and that I should keep fighting? This blog started out as me recovering. IT'S GOING BACK THERE. Now. Because I am Alex and I am a fighter. Society says I'm fat until I'm size 0. I say fuck that. I can't see it, but I'm skinny. Ok, not skinny. More "average" than skinny.
So, forget extreme diet and exercising too much. I'm going to be free. And me. And be happy about it.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna eat a light yogurt and have a marathon of Skins (the UK version because their characters are easier to fall in love with). They're all pretty awesome. AND now I'm glad my mom went to work. It's okay for me to watch, but not my mommy. Haha
Alright, Alex is off to eat a little more and watch TV. And pray to all gods and goddesses out there that my dad doesn't come in during a sex scene. Haha. Toodles.

I told my friend Anna that us writing a book together about self-harm sounded like a challenge to my distorted eating. To eat as little as possible. This starts tomorrow. With a liquid-only fast. I can so do that. I know I can, I know I can. Coffee, water, and diet soda. No supper, though. REALLY need to relearn that supper is not vital. Liquids, liquids, liquids!!

Calories and countin them.

I didn't count as I ate. Three cookies. Each 160. With a small Dr.Pepper. Not a diet one, like a good girl, noooo, an actual one WITH SUGAR. Today's total? Comes to be about 675 because I only drank a little of the healthy drink Dad bought me. And that's only if I can say no to dinner. I really need to learn to say no to food.
CDT today was boring. We didn't get as many breaks as we usually do so my back started hurting from sitting badly for so long. We had a speaker who told us not to get killed by a train. Found out my state is in the top three of the country for deaths by train. Took my test to get my learner's permit. Can't get the permit until my birthday even though I only missed about three. The kid behind me got his today, which is cool because it's his birthday.
I jogged in my room for a full four minutes this morning...and then got bored. Go. Figure. And, other than walking in and out of class, that's all I've really done today. I took a nap, though.
Now... I'm gonna go slap a band-aid on my leg because I tore a scab off that wasn't ready.

Kes: They're very similar to snake bites, as I'm sure you know. I'll try to have a big enough need sterilized and prepared when I try, thank you for reminding me. That's...crazy. I've never had that big of a difference, usually only one pants size, but I guess it's true because I still have some (very few) size 9 jeans I can fit into.

 
Lottie: I haven't been unlucky enough for them to take the scale yet (though my dad says I'm obsessed with weighing myself). You're so positively sweet. Thank you for believing that I'm good enough even when I don't. That's just.. Very awesome to know.

P.S. I love that first picture. I want to say that to someone/have someone say it to me. That would make my day.

Still 130.

Liquids tomorrow? Running before I gotta go to CDT? Coffee for breakfast? Yes, yes, and still YES.
I will not break.
These are the days where I feel alive, where losing is awesome.
I need to lose weight. I want to break 129 before my birthday (the 27th). When I walk into CDT that day, I want to stumble because I haven't eaten much since today. I want to run and  run until it hurts to breathe. Every-single-day.
One day, I want to be 110. And, if I can, even lower than that.
You see, I feel complete. This is my lover.
Sadly, I have disappointed. 1328 calories. I so thought I would please myself by being lower than that. This is why I'm stuck at 130-129. They're virtually the same thing.

Tomorrow, though, when I weigh myself, I will be 129. Maybe even 128. I will be lighter. I will be lighter.
There are some things a girl needs. Mine is a good book and to be less. Weight, food, needing.
It's not so much about the weight anymore. It's more about the lack of eating. The way it makes me feel pure. The loss of weight just shows that I've been good at this.

P.S. I'm just trying to complicate my life, I think. Everything should be smooth, so why do I feel the need to scar these body parts, forget to eat, drink too much water? Everything should be perfect. Except me. I'm never good enough for the moment I'm living in. And that makes me feel something most people go their whole lives without feeling. I just don't know the name for it.

Hungry... maybe...

I tell myself, if I can deny the fact that I've only had 122.5 calories all day. From 6:30 this morning until 3:30 this afternoon. With an epically long nap from 11ish to 2:30ish.
In Driver's Training, I got so many compliments about my hair. They were mainly from not-that-close friends who probably felt like they had to say something. It's too short, makes me look boyish,but when I feel how soft and fluffy it is, well, that might make everything worth it.
Haven't weighed myself.
Let me clarify my rant from last night.
J.R. makes me want to hurt myself because I want to hurt him, but realize nothing will change if I hurt him. The scars left on me might make him think twice before he say something like that to someone else. He told me I'm better off dead when we were arguing and J.P. was making me seem like an awful person. J.R. isn't really a bad person, he's just useable. Too bad for him he said somethings to me that make me literally scared of him, even if he never threatened me.
Then I told Anna I was in that kind of mood. So she continued on about how he was drunk texting her and then "Oh the wonder a shower and cup of coffee can work" and how he sobered up a little, at least enough to text right.

Sorry for swearing in my last post. I was just so frustrated. They're size 3 shorts...and I can't even button them. Most people would shrug this off, think something like "Maybe I just have large hipbones" or even "Maybe this brand just makes their shorts small" but I do not. I think "Damn I'm fat" and choke back tears. I've worked so hard, but it's not enough. Not yet.
Also, this post has couple pictures because I wanna feel loved sometime.
 Oh, in July, I am giving up junk food with Anna. I'm thinking about giving up cutting and burning at the same time, not that I've told anyone but you guys.

Kes: I wanna get snake bites or angel bites done. And I'd have to have a friend do it for me or do it myself. I would love to have it done by a pro, but I would have to have my parents, who are completely against it, take me, which wouldn't happen. Thank you for believing I'm strong. It means a lot that I can have people believe that.

Gianni: Thank you. I haven't been able to quit yet, but I'm hoping I can. I can see my future without it, so that makes me want to. Sadly, I don't think I'd be able to buy anything off eBay without my parent's knowledge.

lissa: Scars do suck. Especially if you have to come up with an explanation as to why you have so many because, unless you held onto a really ticked off cat, you can't have that many cat scratches. And thank you for reminding me that it's ONLY ten pounds. For some reason it seems larger and like it'll take forever when I think about it.


P.S. I have summer goals which I'll post...somewhere. Haha. Keep an eye out for that.
P.S.S. I announced to my parents the other day that I wanna be an actress. I don't know if that's true, but it sounds fun.

DOES IT GET EASIER?
Does it honestly get easier to deal with the "friend" who told you, knowing you're a cutter, that you're better for the world dead? For some reason tonight, I don't like him. The mention of J.R. makes me wanna harm myself. Because I want to hurt him. I've told Anna this, but she goes on about how he's drunk and oh look he sobered up. The only drunk I can tolerate is my crush because he's cute drunk (and all the time). Hey, Anna, do these one-word replies mean nothing to you? THERE WE GO! Something other than him. That's a good girl.
I'll reply to comments tomorrow when I'm on the computer.
Went over my limit.
130 instead of 129 now.
Got size 3 OP shorts that don't fuckin fit.
Today's a bad day.
Need to start running in the mornings.
Need to fit into those shorts.
Need sleep.

Lookie, now I can pester you guys mobilely also.
anyway, just on to say 191.5 calories. THAT'S ALL I've had. And I took a nap after (bad). SO I'm shakey. It's ok. I'm enjoying it. It's...fun almost. The world around me seems light, almost fluffy. Bet I'm below 129.
When I reach 120, I'm gonna peirce my lip. Even if I have to hide it from my parents. When I hit 120, I'll be lighter, thinner, and probably able to fit into this skirt I have. When I'm 120, I'll walk around school, scars showing, and not give a DAMN that they think I'm weak. Because I'll be stronger than all of them.

Lottie: I hope they quit pestering me too. If you want to do it, then you should. If anything, you can say it as a fun way to kill calories. I feel amazing. Maybe that's why I thought I was ready for recovery. I feel amazing hungry.

Haven't eaten, had anything to drink, haven't taken my pills yet.

And I'm already posting. I'm still tired. Had TWO nightmares last night and after the second one I couldn't sleep. While I was dreaming it, it wasn't a "THIS IS SCARY" dream. Apparently it bothered me, though.
So, I'm planning about 300 calories today. I just need that losing weight feeling. I need that "If I push on the ground too hard, I'll fly" feeling.
Yes. I want to be so light.
When did this start again? I don't remember. I think I needed some control with J.P. and it just appeared...but that's not a when.
Now, though, it's a "I just...need to feel this" and, yep, it's twisted.
Now, it's a need. A need to see ribs, to fit into a size 1, to go to the pool and everyone be jealous, a need to dance in the rain and look cute. A need to not feel like a fat whale. I know I'm not, but I feel like I am.
Alright, I'm gonna try to go back to sleep.

Lottie: Oh my gosh, I'm sorry I made you cry. =(

Life Left To Go

By SafetySuit
Is beautiful.
And the mask you put on
It's like words in a song
But there's more to be seen
And the failures you see
Don't seem failures to me here at all   So a pain grows inside
And a fear comes alive
Like you'll never be free
But there's no pain you feel
That I know love can't heal here at all  I just hope I can find you
And tell you that I know you'll smile again 



Yes, I gave you guys my favorite parts of the song. It's so...hopeful. Yet it has that sad sound to it. I just...love it.
Alright, so, I'm gonna go to bed.

Sorry about the blank post.

I tried to post from my mobile internet and it...became blank. I don't remember why I was posting, but I'll come up with a new reason.
I dreamed I was my crush's (who we'll get letters to soon) girlfriend. I spent most of the dream tucked under his arm. I loved it. Not gonna happen if I keep eating TWO SLICES of stuffed crust pizza. Probably won't happen at all.

My hair is now black. See? Stolen straight from my FB account. This is me, Black hair, 129 pounds huge.
I probably had the same calories as a "normal" person who watches what they eat (probably like 1300, icckky). Blaming it on the fact that Anna was here.
OH! I hung out with Cassie yesterday. And my crush who isn't named. I hung out with my crushes. <3
And I've decided. I'm done eating "normally" and panicking over weight gain, even though I know I'm "healthy". I wanna stand and be dizzy. I wanna drop pounds like they're...Something. Haha. I've always been happier hungrier. If I stop now, I'll never hit 120. I'll got back to 150 or 170 or HIGHER. I'll never be 120, 114, 110. I'll never feel collar bones, ribs. I'll never lose that baby face I have. I'll... Well, I'll be stunted in the things I can do!
So, I'm taking away one thing. Eating normally. From now on, I'll never have more than 500 calories. I'll have breakfast (starts the metabolism) and maybe dinner. No snacks. If I can help it, no lunch. I need (want) to drop weight, to enter my second year of high school being no more than 120 pounds. Meaning 120 or lower by the end of summer (August 16). Fuckin' doable. If not, I'm pitiful.

Lottie: That's a good question. Why would I want to hurt myself? It makes me happy. Which is, you know, twisted. To feel that pain in my stomach, on my legs, my wrists, where ever the pain has decided to be, makes me smile. Today, I've decided I may as well be productive if I'm gonna find a way to hurt myself. And I always picture myself thinner. I always picture myself as that chickie who, when I walk by, people turn and stare because they have to make sure that the thing that just went by wasn't a ghost, but keep staring because they're A) jealous or B) imaging me being their girlfriend. I think most gals what that, but I'm out to GET IT.

Americaneagle: I am SO sorry I made you worry. I was gonna delete it and thought "No, no one will think anything of it" and I'm sorry I was wrong and made you worry.AND HO MY GOSH! I'll super miss you. =(

from 129 to 136.

What does this say?
Alex needs a better diet.
(Or to forget to eat.)
Alex needs to exercise
(for hours).
Alex just needs to learn that she will never win.
One day, she'll not eat, be perfectly happy until she realizes that this is considered a disorder.
Then she decides "Oh, I have to get better".
Then she gains weight.
And panickks because she's weak.
Then she wants to lose it.
So, Alex starts eating a lot better.
Then she starts eating less.
And, in the week, she's down to 500 calories.
All because she thought "getting better" was something she could keep up.
All because she isn't really better.
Recovery is possible.
Am I ready, though?

The more I try to get better, and become what I thought was comfortable, the more I think I'm doing this to prove to those of you out there who want to get better that it's possible to do. The more it feels normal to eat more, the more it seems wrong. The more summer passes, the more I feel like days are wasted because I'm not losing weight. I feel...trapped into getting better just to help those who think they can't. See, I'm young, I'm dumb, and worst of all, I want to be losing weight like this. I feel part of this community, but only barely and I don't like it. I want to be a bitch because I haven't had more than 200 calories for seven days. I want to... learn to fall (because my "recovery" was learning to fly) and I want to fall down, down, down. I want to scream piercingly as I fall, with laughter thrown it.
Worst of all, I looking for someone to say "Go Ahead".

Back~

Hey, Dolls! I was so AVERAGE while with Anna. How lovely! Today, we got our Ouija board to work while the parents were out. Today, we bought me about two black shirts and a black skirt. Today, I told my mommy I'm gonna be "super-scary-awesome goth chick" for sophomore year. Today, I found out my crush didn't move. Today, I was also told that J.R. tried a while ago to put a "super-powerful" demon in my room that was supposed to cause misery about three months ago. Funny, these have been the best few months so far.
Yesterday I came home from Anna's house. Yesterday, we tried 3 times and the Ouija board didn't work. Yesterday, Anna spent the night.
The day before that I went to Anna's. We watched The Last Exorcism. It wasn't that scary. I only jumped at a couple parts.

It was all really fun. I love feeling alive around my friends. I love being able to take the gloves I bought before going to Anna's off  and not have a gasp come out of the other person. Anna knows that cutting has a reason. She understands.
I'll become all caught up with you guys' blogs...soon. Haha, maybe not today or tomorrow, though. Today, I'm kinda tired. Tomorrow, we're seeing if Anna can spend the night after this thing where I might be able to see my crush who doesn't know I have a crush on him. I'm so happy, though. Sweet tea and Nos mix. It's delish.
I love being active. I haven't really weighed myself at home. The scale at Anna's said up near 140. I'm hoping to anything out there that it's not like that. I'm scared I wouldn't be able to stand that and would start super restricting.
You know, I kind of miss eating little. It gave balance to life.
NO! Alex must be stronger this time. Everything is getting better. There is no more excuse there. No more J.P. saying at 5'3" and 95 pounds that she's fat. No more J.R. telling me all my worst fears. Dad's not even telling me to not eat. He's telling me I puke it up. Funny. I've never once purged. He even said it around Anna.
If there's no excuse, no reason, no right for me to do it, then why? Why do I wanna feel empty? Why do I want to stare into the mirror, watching as I get sicker and sicker? I see a pretty young lady when I stare into the mirror. I wanna be tiny, though.
When you see me, I want your head to turn, dear crush of mine.
When you see me, I want you to worry, dear teachers.
When you see me, Mommy and Daddy, I want you to see the pain of six years.
But these aren't good reasons to not eat. So why the fuck do I giggle and smile when my tummy is empty, when I'm so hungry?
I'm not scared anymore. Too confused.
Also, J.P. bothered me about her copy of Crank back. I was laughing over it, but now... I'm gonna be stronger and not cut. I'm gonna be better than before.
Oh...and the other day, I can't remember when, but I, well, erm, I burned myself. My wrist, my shin, the pain was delish. I do realize it's bad to give yourself second degree burns. I wasn't really thinking or something.

Skinny Little Me: Thank you for reading! =3 I don't care if you don't comment on every single post. And thank you for that reminder. ^^ I hope you have a pleasant day.


Lottie: My mom hates Juno. That nearly blew my mind. Wicca's really a commitment, though. I would consider myself really bad at it. So's Anna. She into it lately for all the hexes. Which are bad. I'm into it for that heart-racing excitement I get for anything my parents would hate.

P.S. Tomorrow is Friday. I'm messing up. I'm not eating more than 300. I want to remember the old days where I loved this. I need to remember why I need to get better.

P.S.S. I'm gonna rename the blog at some point. Maybe something like "The (Almost) Completely True Story Of Alex" because that sounds funny and sarcastic. If I ever get famous, that's what I'm gonna publish my journal under. Try to pass it off as fiction, but you guys will know the difference.  Also, go listen to I Feel Like Dancin' by All Time Low. It's so fun to dance to and to listen to.

P.S.S.S Too many S's. But I hope he isn't drunk when I see him tomorrow.

I'm estimating...

That I haven't eaten enough today. Breakfast, at around 7, was probably only 100 calories, maybe a little more. But I was full. Then around two, I had a slice of pizza. Then summer, around seven, could not have been more than 800. But I was full, again. That's only about...1200. So I guess I have. Um, wow. YAY ME!! ^^
I have a white candle lit, for lighting, and protection. Because that's just what the white candle does. But it's funny because my mother told me to be careful it doesn't burn down the house. It's okay, Mommy, I'll put it out when I'm exiting the room. I put the used matches in water before throwing them out. I'm actually really excited to own these unscented, white, tealight candles. I bought them with my money without my mom questioning me too much. Her questioning was like this, "So, why do you want this?" "Because I leave my computer on all the time, so I figured I'd save you a few dollars and not use my light." She didn't say anything to that, just an "oh" kind of thing. She hates Wicca, but I'd only use it for protection and other people's gain because there's not much in this world I want. Sorry, you guys have to read me rant about my mom's religious views. It's just crushing to know I can't openly be, well, me around her. I can't be bi around her, and I can't express how I follow Wicca around her. I love my mommy, don't get me wrong, it just...hurts sometimes.
Tomorrow I probably won't post. I'm hanging out with Anna and spending the night at her place. Meaning I should probably wash some clothing. These cuts on my leg mean I probably can't wear the skirt I bought... :/ BUT I got a Boys Like Girls shirt and a Bullet For My Valentine shirt! I'll wear one tomorrow and take the other to change into for the day after (depending on how they fit) and I still need pants. Well, my black skinnies are out, though I do love them. They're Miley Cyrus jeans and are the only size 9 jean I own that don't fall off. They used to leave marks on my flabby thighs because they're pre-ripped all up them. The chick in the picture is wearing them (I think I wear them just as well, though I love her hair). Anyway, I have a pair of size 3 skinny jeans (I didn't know they were skinny jeans the first time I wore them, haha) and I think I'll be able to pull them off. They aren't torn up which gives me less rocker look, more classy look. And then for the day after tomorrow, if I survive, I'll have some other pair of pants that fit alright to wear.
Wow, and to think,  I still need to ask my mom if I can go.
Now that I'm looking, Miley Cyrus has an okay line of clothing. Some of it is kinda slutty, but some of it looks really good too.
Anyway...Yes, I love the movie Juno. I've only seen it twice, but it's my favorite movie.

Lottie: Hi, again! Thank you for the advice. Being happy with oneself comes from within. I've heard that so many times, but I still look for an outer solution to make me love myself.
I'm actually really happy eating more. I don't remember a single time that I was starving that I was so happy without caffeine or cutting. But I'm more moody too. My moods change on a dime. Like I'm fine now, but if my ex-boyfriend, who totally ticked me off last night, tried talking to me over facebook, I'd become really upset and frustrated. That's what I miss about not eating and my medication. The capability to not feel as much. I could crawl into a hole where nothing touched me. Now, everything's RAW and REAL and sometimes it hurts worse, but this is life. I have to live it.
I don't know if I click just yet with it. There's that phase where you have to question everything, and then you click. I'm in that...honeymoon phase. Where everything seems perfect because I feel accepted. It seems super complex, though. Like, the moon is involved and certain candles mean certain things and... it gets so confusing, I'm not gonna lie. My friend Anna doesn't care much about what each phase of the moon means, she just understands her powers are strongest under a full moon, but it means a little bit more to me than that. Sorry, I'm just going on about it. Haha. I just am bubbly and spent all of this afternoon writing various things about Wicca down and so I feel loaded with info.

P.S. Does anyone read these? Anyway, I love you guys.
P.S.S. I think I'm talking a friend out of suicide. I just told her that things get better. Maybe I'm saying this to myself too. But I told her if I can't leave her, she can't leave me. We will suffer through this and then, we'll live through it. She told me that she wrote stay strong on her wrists. STAY STRONG. Gosh, that saying means too much to me. Before, it was good job, keep not eating, you're doing great. Now, it's good, you ate, that's great, you can keep this up and you didn't cut, beautiful. Staying strong...what does it mean? That we survive again? What does it mean to you?

Second time waking up today.

And I think I woke up with some Laffy Taffy on my ankle. The banana kind. Which is weird. I haven't had that in about a week....and I ate it when I did.
I stayed up until three this morning, got into the van, and proceeded to die. I revived when my mom stopped the van around five forty-five and told me she wasn't leaving me in the van. Theeennnn we got home around eightish and I went to my room and died and woke up now, twelve forty-oneish.
Wanna read something? I feel light today, but I'm going to enjoy this 200 calorie AMP energy drink. Two hundred calories. I've had days where I couldn't/wouldn't eat more than that! I'm highly proud of me. Buuuutttt there is that thought. The "If this keeps up, you'll be fat again" thought. I've got a gothy style. My brother makes fun of the fat goths he sees. I don't want to be one of those that he makes fun of (I can't change that's he's a jerk). But at 129 pounds, I should be happy. This is the smallest I've been and it's a BMI of 20.8, well into the range of healthy. Why, then, do I want to lose weight? See the numbers drop, the BMI get closer to underweight? Why do I want closer to 18.8 instead of being happy at 20.8? It's frustrating. BUT another win is that I ate both of these cakes that come in a pack. I shouldn't have, not at 320 calories for the two of them, but I enjoyed them, so it's ok.

I'm babbling. See, before this I was doing Wicca things (I know, most of you don't care...) and now from both the AMP and Wicca things, I'm in a super good mood and feel like talking about everything.  Only, in my house, I can't do that. Religious mommy who tells you that if you get into Wicca it'll break her heart should not be shown the knowledge you have about it. :/ No fun.I'm gonna quit complaining now and go sulk and write in my sketch book that I'll one day get up the courage to call my Book of Shadows. Even though Anna never once mentioned it, I'm still keeping a sketchbook as one.

Lottie: You are one of the few people I don't think forgot me when they don't comment. You've dealt with my ramblings and even changed blogs with me. I think you're allowed to not comment a few times, haha. I've been feeling loads better. I don't know if it's from eating more or not taking my medication (I got sick of the lack of creativity), but I feel utterly amazing. I feel like doing things and being places and just EVERYTHING. Though...my moods do seem to change quicker now that I haven't taken it for the past, I dunno, three days. And Cassie will be Cassie. I don't care so long as she's happy. Heck, I'll even go and find someone else to date/love/marry if it keeps us happy. Maybe in this life we were meant for other people. Sorry, this is super long reply to a tiny comment. Like I said, I feel like talking... Hahaa

P.S. Tomorrow I'll have happy pictures. I just used the first ones I clicked on in my pictures. -_-' Sorry.

Teen Drama

I think I'm living one. Rumors about me being a "hard-core, woman chasing lesbian" are circulating. I'm ok with this, though. I was upset, almost ready to cry, but I know what's right and what isn't.
Happy news: I'm taking my brother to the airport in about three hours. I'm feeling pretty awesome despite the drama.
Bad news: I've cut. A lot.
Anna and L.G. are making me feel loved, though. They're amazing. I asked Anna how she knew she was bi. Because I think I've always been. That I've always loved Cassie, but been attracted to guys. I wish I could say she's my soul-mate, but she's completely into guys. But there was no real reason for us to become friends.
I'm drinking low calorie Gatorade! Only 45 calories. Which, because I'm trying to get better, am totally cool with. Who cares if it's more than 20 calories!? It's GATORADE! Haha, I like Gatorade.
A lot of nothing happened today. I'm still 129. Which is pretty awesome. I feel thinner.
Anna and I are talking about past loves. I haven't gotten the nerve to say I loved Cassie, but I said I did when I was five. She's been in love twice. I've only felt it once. I'm still feeling it.
I know she doesn't read this, or at least I hope she doesn't, but I wish Cassie understood that I stay up, feeling lovesick because of her. Right now, I just wanna curl up and not feel anything. I've got it bad for her. Always did. That's why I got jealous of her boyfriend. Now I wanna talk to her and it's one thirty in the morning. Haha, screw my luck.
Alright, I'm gonna go do something.

I know why I do it.

Cut, I mean. I know why I cut. The meds I'm on allow me to feel more stable, but they eat my creativity. They take it and just rip it to shreds and then hand me the shreds and go "Sorry, I broke it" but sorry isn't acceptable. Not when my creativity is killed. Last night, I sat down, cut my wrist and thigh until I felt alive again. Then, I got up and danced through the rush. So..I wasted it.

I used to do it when life got too rough. When Mommy and Daddy fought, another scar. When I couldn't figure out what I did or didn't do to tick off J.P., another scar. When my friends made me feel like crying, another scar. I'm stronger, more selfish, more needing to feel now. Mom and Dad are fighting? Fuck em, I've got music. Oh, J.P.'s mad at me? Good, that brat needs to be ticked off. Feel like crying? Go ahead. It's not a weakness anymore.
No, I don't cut to feel close to death. Awkwardly enough, I'm doing it to feel more alive. How weird is that?
I feel more... creative today. As though words flow more easily. I'm not having story ideas from everything, but maybe that will come later. It's pretty sad that I didn't know that I had lost it until I tried to sit down and actually write. Characters, places, things everything was all mixed up in my mind and didn't want to come out on the paper. 
In other news, I woke up this morning so weak that sitting up was hard. Now that I'm up, though, I'm good. Don't worry, I'll get some breakfast after I write this up.
I wish I could make you guys feel as beautiful as I feel. Well, will feel after I get a shower. Then again, I don't even feel really beautiful. I feel lighter, which makes me feel more beautiful than I was yesterday. And my feeling of beauty is decided solely on how I feel. If I felt like crap, I wouldn't think I was beautiful.
Alright, I'm going to write an entry in my journal about me cutting, my medication, ect...

Skinny Little Me: They sell it at Wal-Mart, to be honest. I got it for like six, seven dollars, but it's kinda biggish. I'm glad it made you smile. Haha, I'm trying to make happy posts. You should totally try it! Dancing is so much fun! Just dance through your embarrassment!

P.S. I have a sketchbook that I turned into a book of quotes that just inspire me. Sadly, it's only got one page full and they're all about self-harm. I'll look up some about beauty soon! And yes, I like pictures.

Today, I burned 151 calories

And ate way too many. I had cake, about 20849384293084 pieces of pizza (ok, only about 5 small ones), grapes, and a regular soda. I'm guessing that the cake was 400, the pizza 250, and the soda another 200 and the grapes about 10. Making Alex a fat bitch. That's a net of 709 calories.  Look at that chick's legs, I love them. I want legs like that. That's why I ran for 18 minutes today. Nearly two miles. I'm darn proud of myself.

kes: I hate having thin walls. It makes me feel like everyone can hear everything I'm ever doing. And I tried jumping around to burn calories. PHEW! That's a huge work out. Haha. Well, I wish you a lovely day.

P.S. Anna's making our Ouija board and is gonna use everything to protect us that she can. J.R. told her various ways. Like having a white candle lit and drawing a pentagram on it. I'm kinda nervous about it. Probably because I worry and expect the worse.

P.S.S. I'm telling my therapist about this eating habit. I don't know if I want to get better, but I know I should. See, I'm here enough to know better, but I like the thought of size 1 more...some days.  I'll ask Mommy to make an appointment for sometime before the twenty-first. That way I won't have that long to talk myself out of it.

Found it!

For those that don't know, I have lipgloss that has caffeine in it. For a little bit, my room decided to eat it. FOUND IT!~
Apparently I am liquid fasting right now. All I've had in calories is a mouthful of the mango something Naked smoothie and two mouthfuls of a regular soda (ick). I'm guessing about...Fifty calories. Anyone else on here dance around their room to burn calories for fun? That's how I kill off most of my calories. Dance around like no one exists.
So far, I've burned aboutt eleven calories. It feels nice to get up and move on an empty stummy. I kinda wanna weigh myself. I haven't done that today. I'm hoping it's under 130. New lowest weight, please? Actually, I was 129 once. Nearly cried tears of joy until I realized...I was still fat.
Last night I danced around in a tank top and my underwear. My thighs are huge. How do those things fit into size three jeans at all?
Now, I'm just focused on weighing myself.
Sorry, I kinda just woke up half an hour ago and nothing has really happened. Except my dad woke me up at seven (after I went to bed at four) and I got some clothes from garage sales. Then I came home and became dead to the world. I have yet to try on my clothes, though.
Goodness, my tummy hurts. Alright, time for Alex to start her day...

P.S. I just made twenty dollars and found a reason to go for a walk. Apparently I'm actually expected to eat. But my brother, who was supposed to make sure I get lunch, is leaving soon! So, I have twenty dollars I can spend on what I want, just so long as I take the wrapper and place it in the trash and place the food in a bag in my room's trash can! Oh, I've got happy chills from it!

Wishing Again.

I wish I had a working printer in my room. I have so much thinspiring pictures that would find their way into my sketch book and make it into a book of my wants.
Sure, sure, I pretend to be okay with a size 3, 130 pounds, standing at five foot, six inches, but let me say something.
I'm not.
I'm wanting to be much smaller, at least a one. Size one. And in my 120's. Solidly in the 120's. Not 129 or 128 or 127. 123 or lower would be preferred. That's supposedly a healthy weight for my height.
I wanna be smaller.
I don't want to be one of the fat goth chicks my brother made fun of.
I don't want to be the fat kid that deserved my daddy telling me to not eat.
I just want to be...small. I'm tired of this flabby stomach, legs that touch, arms that jiggle from fat.
I wanna be tiny.
I wanna... I want too much.
I wanna be that girl who guys ask out as she dances away, lost in her own little world.
I know I can never have this. But I'm happy thinking it's possible. I'm happy thinking I can have the world in the palm of my hand.
I'm going through a phase where I want everything and nothing all at the same time.
OH! My friend Anna and I are thinking about using a Ouija board to figure out what is watching in my room. Because something most def. is. It usually just watches, but sometimes makes me extremely cold and lose phone signal (and that's the part that bothers me, losing my signal). I've read some creepy stories about 'em, but even though I expect the worst, it excites me. It doesn't matter to me that looking at some of them makes my head hurt really bad. But, shhh, no one supposed to know that I like "evil" things.
Anna, hurry and text me back! Goodness, woman, I just wanna know that I'm alright. See, all of this excites me. Makes my heart race, makes me eat less when it consumes me...basically sends me into an excited state of mind. It's BEAUTIFUL!

Skinny Little Me: That's ok. I come from a strictly Christian family, and I'm just learning about it right now. I feel a little better. I feel less like I'm doing something based on what may happen and more of what I just want. I like it.

P.S. YAY! She replies! Asking if it's calling to me. Yes! That's how it is! Because of my Christian family and learnings I'm scared, but it seems to be calling. Like fire and how it seems to simply say "touch me, use me, need me". I think it bothers her, though, that it seems to be something I feel summoned to. My parents would say that it's because my Grammy (grandma on Dad's side) was a witch once upon a time. GOSH! Can this girl reply any slower?? I wanna find out what she's getting at! Oh, I get that Anna. Being called to it, giving in, and then being content (again) with the religion. See, I feel torn right now between giving into Wicca completely and believing (though I didn't really follow it) Christianity. Sorry, I feel lost and like rambling.

Haha

I know I scared you when I planned out a fast for today. I knew it would just make me conscious of what I was eating. Even though I think I only had about 990 calories, it may be as high as 1100.Less was junk food also. See, unlike I used to, I eat when I plan out a fast.
You know, I thought that if I ate more, I'd realize that I was small. This is not the case, I've found. SO~ I've decided. I will eat however I feel like eating at the moment I wake up. I know, this may seem disappointing to those who believed I could truly do it, but I've been more panicky, scared, and other bad emotions since I started eating "normally" again. If I feel nice, "healthy", and happy, I'll eat like that. If I feel like complete shit, I'll probably not eat much. This isn't about weight. It's about doing what I want. And right now, I'm done eating for the day. I will be in control one day.
In about an hour, I'm going to go hang out with L.G., hopefully, and beg her to teach me about Wicca some more. I'm kinda iffy about it since I started eating more, which makes me feel really gross, but I wanna learn more and claim it as my own religion eventually.
Also... someone should find out Rachael's new blog and send me the link. Either comment with it or you can e-mail me at chokingonglass@hotmail.com.
With how much I change my mind, I don't expect everyone to always support me. Just make it so I know I'm not alone. That's all I'll ever ask for.
Last night, I cut my hip. It hurts, but for a moment, I felt like I was flying. I'll admit it, I love cutting. For me, it's not a painful thing I go through to torture myself. Now, it's a painful thing I go through to please myself. When the cuts heal, the razor leaves behind scars that remind me 1) I'm alive and 2) I've suffered through worse things. Yes, I realize cutting is harming myself. No, you should not go out and cut yourself. It's an addiction.

 

 americaneagle: Now you know why I planned a fast. I can't stick to it and I know that. My life is full of forever changing choices. Thinking I could be strong enough to choose to recover was silly of me. I'll recover in time as the scars that lead to this heal.

P.S. I love all seven of my followers. It reminds me of when my original blog, Choking On Glass, was littler. Still, I'm glad I made a new blog. I needed a new story to write. :) Also!~I'm back down to 130.