Life is so messed up.

Half the time I feel perfectly fine. The other half, I feel like Cassie's (from Skins, UK version) roommate. But what if you get hungry?
Half the time eating feels pure, like without it I'm just one messed up person. The other half of the time, it feels like the worst sin of them all.
Half the time I don't know what I'm thinking when I say, "Ice cream please" or "How about recovery?" because all I really want to do is curl up in my room and say "No, thank you. I'm not hungry right now. I'll eat later."
This summer was supposed to be about not eating.
Then I made it about getting better.
Well fuck that. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine.
I just need to lose a little bit of weight. Then I'll be perfect.
Maybe it's the whole blogging thing. Makes me feel like I'm under a microscope, makes me bigger.
But I'm OK, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I'm not hungry. That pain in my abdominal area is not hunger.
Besides, I'm a healthy weight, no one worries otherwise. If they see that nothing's wrong, why should I believe something is?
Totally sane.

Camille: I swear, if I have to have a meal, breakfast is the only one I would want. Then you have to worry about skipping dinner because you can only have one meal, otherwise you take in too many calories. Well, that's how it is here. Even if I have a salad for supper, I have to pretty it up and make it fattening. Because I come from a house of fat people. I can't believe I gave up on my fast just because some waffles tasted like heaven. You're comment got me so motivated...and then I saw the waffles...and today went downhill from there.

Lottie: I had a lovely day watching Skins. I went from episode, like, three to the end of episode nine. And it was funny because tonight when I was watching the episode, my mom was watching over my shoulder, so I pulled the headphones out of the computer because no one had cursed in a little while...and everyone, basically, in the course of five seconds drops the F-bomb about twenty times.

P.S. I can't believe how fast my mindset about things change. This morning I'm eating CANDY bars like their air and this evening I'm thinking "Why the FUCK didn't you starve? You're a lazy whore, that's why. You should be above this. Then again, you've only lost about twenty-seven pounds IN A YEAR! Most can do that in two months. But nooo, it takes Alex a year." And so on. It's...odd. I wonder...when will I be avoiding eating just to keep that hatred at bay...will I feel empty-headed and light? Will I...you know, dance in the rain, be weird, laugh at my own jokes like a child? Will I be so hungry that the world fades away and all that is left is...light? I've always wondered, thought, considered how life would be if I were just a little more hungry.
So... I guess I'll just ignore food until everything seems...like a fairy wonderland. I had that feeling once or twice before. It was a fun, feathery, light, happy feeling.