I love messing with my hair.

I hair spray it, dye it, tease it, gel it, and just generally mess with it. I make it look what I see as adorable, but normal people see are completely odd. But I wanna get it cut like the picture below.

No that color, I'm hoping of talking Mommy into pink hair with blue streaks. So, what's you guys opinion on the style?

Speaking of my hair, this lady was going into Game Stop and I heard her in the parking lot. "...And especially with that hair." I smirked after that. I'm sure she was talking about the mess on my head.  It was great. I'm sure it was something like "How could her mother take her out like that? Especially with that hair?" Because I was also dressed a little oddly.

Kes: I don't remember which one I used, to be honest. Haha. I've made one. Well, actually, Anna made it and brought it over to my house. I started shaking when I used it and I didn't stop until, like, ten minutes later. It was just my hand that was shakey too, which was kind of weird at the time. I'm not really sure if ours was what anyone would consider "safe" but Anna tried to make it safe, haha. See, I dunno what religion I am anymore, which I think is a natural young teen thing to go through at least once, but I love the thought of magick and Ouija boards and Tarot cards and just all of it in general. Haha.

Alright, now I'm gonna go get ready for church because I'm bisexual and obviously in need of the Lord's saving. I think that's what my mom thinks about me anyway. O.O

Food, cousins, that insane urge to text the one you love at insane times.

Alright, so I played with an online Ouija board. I know, I need to stay away from those things. They make it so I'm jumpy and paranoid. And apparently make me itch enough that I claw at my skin. I wanna text Cassie, want her to tell me it's just something stupid. Even if it is one in the morning. She has to be awake, right. AH! My foot vibrated! Heh heh, I'll be ok. I'm sure! Yeah, doesn't help that my idiot Wiccan friend told me he put a fuckin demon in my room.
Food? Well today I had the egg white of TWO hard boiled eggs, TWO small slices of cake, and one nasty, huge taco. I was trying to fast. Fail.
My cousins have been at my grandma's house for...three days. Three. Days. Two of which I went out to my grandma's and had everyone watching me like a hawk (not really, it just felt like that).
It's gonna be hard, later today, when I have to eat more cake.

Have to eat today.

Cassie and I made a deal.
She didn't smoke pot last night, I have to eat today.
I told her that she may wanna try everything once, but she has to have limits.
Addiction runs in our families.
For that reason, I won't touch alcohol (or anything else).
So...She didn't and now I have to eat.
I'm happy, but at the same time, I wanna cheat.
I don't want to eat today.
Maybe tomorrow?
No, no, I have to.
I said I would.

Just because she isn't here to make sure I don't doesn't mean I can go without eating.
It doesn't help that I'm looking at thinspo.
I believe I told her I would eat today. Period.
Not that I'd eat "normally".
So, two meals, no snacks.
At the very worst this should be 800 calories.
My wrists are starting to lose their boney look.
I like them when they look boney.
I can wrap my thumb and index finger  around them and they touch.
Not overlap, not yet, just touch. Really easily.
I love, love, love littering my blog with pictures. I kinda feel like they express my mood better than my words do.
I...Last night made me realize that I really do love Cassie. I don't want her to do anything that could harm her long-term. I...I really wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her she didn't need that shit and that she's different, which is an art and a beauty.
I feel like I should apologize for the pot bashing I'm doing, but I don't really care.
In case you can't tell, I'm lonely today. It pretty much sucks.

Oh! My family says I'm getting thinner. So why am I not losing weight? Why?!
Mini-fit over.

I've Decided.

I like being in school than on break.
Why?

I only feel the need to eat one meal during school.
See, at lunch, I feel like everyone is watching me eat. So I don't eat lunch at school.
Don't have time for breakfast in the morning.
Sometimes, when I was feeling "ok" I ate a snack after school.
That usually led to stomach pains.
Then, a salad for supper.
I'm sick of salad.
I want a huge, fatty hamburger.
Thank goodness I've decided to be a vegetarian.
No huge, fatty hamburger for Alex.
Stayed the night at Anna's the day before yesterday.
Anna stayed here last night.

Anna is turning 15 on the 22.
I'm thinking...of fasting at least one day before Anna's birthday.
Starting tomorrow.
Also, Cassie knows about how I dislike eating.
She'll be at Anna's party.
I have to restrict my eating in front of her.
That way she'll believe me when I tell her that it's so hard to eat.
I'm also going to look super emo in front of her.
Why?
Her and her friends have this thing going where they make fun of emos. And I consider myself to be emo.
It's a fashion. That's all.
Cassie told me cutters are idiots. Maybe we are, but it's not her place to say.
From what Anna says, Cassie pierces her skin whenever she's stressed out.
We cut, you pierce. What's the huge difference? Internal bleeding compared to external?
Yes, this means a new post on my other blog.
Cassie does little that eats way at me.
Telling me I'm an idiot for cutting is one of them.
She doesn't know my story. She can't even remember the part where she was a big part of it.
The physical pain releases the pains that are emotional that I can't get out in the ways I know how. Does that make me an idiot?
I suppose it could.
I want to tell Cassie all my plans.
How I want to starve and fast for nearly a week.
But I only have one bar of battery.
If I text her, it shouldn't be about such sad things.
I may send her a text that says "You know that no matter how bad I hurt myself, I love you, right?"
If she asks why I say that, I may tell her that I'm the idiot not planning to eat for a couple days.
But it's not idiotic.
It's skinny.

Nasimiyu: Hi! I believe this is your first comment on my blog! That's super exciting to see a new name! I kinda don't hope my new therapist is better because the old one was pretty good. In less than a year, with once a month visits, she made me want to believe that I was a worth while person. I have to be pretty to be worthwhile. I type that even as I take a gulp of sugar and other gross things invested soda.

 

Lottie: I think it's because she was in shock that she didn't react to me saying that I don't eat much.

P.S. I have re-fallen in love with Harry Potter. Yeahh

P.S.S. Ok, Cassie is usually going on about how stoners suck and how straight edge (meaning she won't do drugs) she is. Now she's tried pot. Well, then, since you get to be an idiot, then I get to be one. You smoke it, I'll cut. Fucking happy? She was my only reason to not cut.

Hey, Alex, Let's Play A Game

Let's see how long we can go without...that before they notice.
I'm down with this.
One day, two days?
Maybe more?
So, therapy today.
"You need to take your pills every day."
"Are you eating right?"
"Not on diet pills?"
Lied through the psychiatrist appointment, but told my therapist everything. Difference? Dad wasn't around with my therapist.
I really just wanted to tell someone.
She didn't seem to take it seriously when I told her that a year ago I could tell you everything I had eaten and every calorie in it.
Today, I was under 900, I know that I was.
I'm a good girl.
My Cassie still makes my heart race. Over TEXTS. Text messages! It's this... heart racing, wanna keep typing so you'll keep replying, woah I feel amazing feeling. She makes me happy. And she's straight.
But she made me think about the future and that scared me.
I wanted to not think about the future for the longest time, but she made me.
Wanna know what I want in ten years?
A son
to be either in college or out of college
a husband or at least someone who loves me
my own little store where I can sell cookies, cupcakes, little bears, and just cute little things
And friends who just love me.
I don't see the people in my life now as being in my world in ten years except I really want Cassie and Anna in my life and they're amazing people.
I'm watching the dramafest that is Teen Mom.
It really scares me about getting pregnant, not that I'm not already scared about getting pregnant. I'm scared of getting pregnant because...then I'd want to eat. Then I wouldn't be able to just live for me.
Okay...So I just realized how immature I feel and I think that's why moving on scares me. I want to go back. Not forward. Because forward may mean another day where I skip another meal, another day where I feel fat, another month of feeling worthless, another year where I'm up and down and on a complete roller-coaster. The past, I know what happened then. I want to go back. To before J.P. happened. Because I love Cassie and Anna and we were the perfect trio.
So...I feel so weird because I don't know what to do.


Kes: Alright, my therapist did not even really...react when I told her that I that I hadn't eaten lunch the last month of school. I suppose I should have mentioned that most mornings I didn't eat breakfast either. But after your rant, I won't expect too much from my new therapist.

P.S. My current therapist is being moved to just Drug and Alcohol counseling. I'm pretty bummed out about it, but it'll be cool. I'll be meeting a new person. They're also trying to get me into a socializing class. Like..to teach me how to better socialize with people because socializing makes me really nervous. 

Sorry For Not Blogging Much.

Okay, first, I got ALL four of my wisdom teeth removed, now I'm having a reaction to the antibiotic and the allergy meds make me feel sick.
But I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, so I'm thinking too much.
Told my mom that I skipped lunch most of the last month of school. Wanna know what she did?
Nothing.
So...Liquid fast until I have to eat?
Sounds hot.
Also, I've been thinking.
Some days, I'm fine being the average weight girl who sleeps perfectly at night.
Other days, I wanna eat under 300 calories for days on end so I'm that girl who wakes up dazed, thinking she's in the hospital because she finally passed out.
I wanna get up and almost fall back down because I'm dizzy.
Oh, with Cassie...I finally asked her out.
It went...not well.
"I'm not going out with you."
"I don't love you, Alex. And I never will."
"I'm sorry."
There are cuts on my legs where I just went crazy.
It hurt so much to read those words.
It was the pain pills I took that had me ask her out.
So why am I still in love?
I've decided that it would be cool to meet people who went to therapy for the same reasons I'm doing it. Cutting and starving. I think I'd fit in, finally.
Still about 131,130,129. Need. Lower. Number. Now.



Lottie It's a very odd feeling, but it's become more comforting. Like, it's relaxed a little, so it's just...there. So it's comforting. Because it means something knows when I curl up on my bed and just...cry.

P.S. My computer is also broken, so I have to use the one in the living area. So I can't really read your blogs except off my phone. :/

I eat as normal as I can

So why is my grandma asking if I puke what I eat?
And if I even eat?
No one asked when I didn't eat enough! Now, I exercise two days in a row and eat like a normal person, and people wonder if I'm not eating.
What the hell?
I'm 130 pounds. That's "healthy". Sorry I got sick of being fat, so I did something about it!
Ohhh, I see that I have 10 followers. That's so epic. I love you guys.
Also, I may not post for a few days. I'm getting my wisdom teeth ripped out of my face later today.
Uhm... I feel like I should say more about my day...
 Cassie and I talked like all day. I love it. I love this woman too much.
She tells me I'm gorgeous and I want so desperately to believe her. 

Oh, oh, have I mentioned that I come from a Christian family? I think I have. Well, I do. Grew up with the romantic idea of guardian angels. Which is funny because I spent time tonight looking up demons. Why? Because I believe in them and because when I wasn't friends with J.R. he supposedly summoned on to torture me. Only...in the time frame that he said he summoned it, my life got BETTER
See a problem?
So, I demanded that he tell me all he knows about it. Waiting for that reply.
But, other than Anna being scratched for laying in this spot on my bed that we refer to as "its spot" and me waking up with teeth prints on my arm when I slept in a different room, nothing has happened. And he says this is one bad ass demon. It's not that I want something terrifying to happen, I'm just scratching my head going, "What? Did it take a liking to me?"
Now, J.R. is depressed. He says this demon is supposed to cause misery. I still feel watched in my room, but it's more calm, relaxed and just like "oh, hey, I'm here." ish.
Sorry, most of you don't care and it's not that exciting of a story, but I felt like typing tonight.
What I'm getting at is I long ago gave up on believing any angel would want to watch over me. But maybe not this-this...thing. Usually, with Anna, I call it a monster, but that sounds so cruel and judging. I refuse to be judgmental of something that's never hurt me.
Wow, long post. Sorry.



P.S. WOOOO!!! TEN FOLLOWERS!!

After Two Weeks,

It hurts like when I started.
Tonight, I calmed myself down. With my razor.
I'm a weak child.
Let's just say it.
WEAK FUCKING CHILD.
I'm kinda disappointed, but not really.
Cassie was my reason to not do it and when that NEED to do it hit hard...she wasn't there. I love this bitch and she can't talk me out of cutting? To think, we were "BFF"s at one time...

Just got done exercising

I took an hour to burn about 80 calories. And then went to McDonald's and got a fruit parfait (190) and a small powerade (100) added to my total of 440. This puts me at 730 for the consumed. And I still need to eat supper.
But my net would beeee 650. I need to eat a little more. For my Cassie and for being healthy. But I feel all nice and full~

Gym

Today, I was showed how to use the cardio machines at the gym. This means I can now walk in there, with my mom, and use them. This is treadmill,  those bicycle ones, and the stair-y ones. I'm excited! Seriously.
 Also, my friend Anna is really excited. We have a whole forty views. I know that's not much, but considering how just off the wall the video is, I'd say it's great. Most of our views come from North America, obviously. But thank you ALL for the support. It means a lot to her and me. I'll be posting a video as soon as I get my video camera.
So, I spent, like, two nights at Anna's house. It was... cool. Got hit, on accident, with a fire cracker.. It hurt. Haven't been eating much recently, but I need to. See, Miss Cassie has me striving to be health. For her. Because, well, I'm totally in love with this girl.
Oh! On that note, Cassie told me the night she stayed here, which was like the second of July, I think, that her sun used to rise and set with me.
I, being the hypocrite I am, told her to never let someone rule her life, even if she thinks she loves them. I love her, wholely and completely...and I let that run me.When she says eat, I ask how much. When she says don't cut, I swear to never do it. When she kissed my cheek, I could tell you I was in heaven. When she said that sleeping by me was a mistake, it was hell. She tore out my heart and threw it on the floor without even knowing it.
I have a notebook full of things I'm terrified to tell her.
Like how I'm scared to lose her because I'll feel completely alone again.
With her, my heart goes pitter-patter and I can't seem to make it stop.
Yeah, she told me the best night I've had in a long time was a mistake to her. I can't see it that way. Yes, I'm torn up, feel like cuddling everyone, want to cry, and spent the whole night wanting to kiss her, but I don't see it as a mistake. We talked all night. I kissed her forehead. Fuck it all, I fell FACE FIRST in love with her...AGAIN. Her heart skipped beats. All the suppressed feelings she had for me began to bubble up. Only...she told me straight up that she wouldn't date a girl.
Funny, isn't it? I'm fuckin willing to dedicate my life to her, have a long distance relationship (if it's with her), wait hours for her texts, want to cry myself to sleep, all of these things. She won't date a girl, though. She swears that she's straight, but GOD DAMN IT! it felt good to hold her. It felt so freaking right.
Uhm. Wow. This post is embarrassing.


Lottie, I totally forgot you weren't American until you commented on our accents. And my bed doesn't usually look like that. The mattress is actually in another room because of Cassie and Anna both sleeping over. Haha


P.S. I want hair like that last chickie. It's pretty.

The day before yesterday, I only had a cookie.

A small cookie.
Probably only sixty calories.
We walked enough to burn that, though.
Cassie and Anna spent the night.
It was great.
Also, it would mean to world to Anna if you guys watched her lame video of her XD-ing. It's seven seconds and you'll make a fourteen-year-old really happy.
I'm shamelessly advertising her and my youtube account.
Pleasee because even if you hate it, the views go up.



Lottie I actually had a load of fun doing my crunches. C=

So so so, Alex has had TWO cups of coffee today and decided....

She is participating in next year's Day Of Silence. It's national date next year is April 20. It's a Friday, so I'll want to speak so much. Alex believes in change, though. I'll not speak a word. Maybe I won't even blog about it until the next day. Alex is really excited about it. She's scared, though. Who will decide to hate her for it? Hopefully no one. Who will change their minds and love her for it? That I don't know.
I'm excited. Really excited. Uber excited.
I dunno what else to say... Really, honestly. I'm excited because this will be the first time I planned to stand up for something I believe in. It's...AMAZING.
I'm freezing cold, though.
I probably shouldn't be so excited.XD Haha.

Coffee and Lemonade

I mix my lemonade (five calories) with  my coffee (about two, if we're honest). It keeps my stomach calmer. It feels pretty good to have something in my stomach. I wanna make it last, because it's the last lemonade we had. Oh well, I need my  caffeine fix and now I also have to drink the lemonade if I want it.
Caffeine is amazing on an empty stomach. It works so fast. Had me dancing in the kitchen to Eminem. It was pretty dang epix.
 Today's post has three people I will listen today. As a definite. Eminem, who I listened to while dancing around my kitchen, Colette Carr, who I listened to while typing this, and All Time Low, who I'll end up listening to later. Yeah... I listen to some fun music. It's just because I feel like dancing today.
Also, I'm planning on not eating anything other than dinner today. I hope I can go without eating even that. Because we eat around eight (late dinner) and I'm leaving around seven thirty, like I do every Friday. So maybe I'll be able to get by with just coffee today?

 Alrigght, I'm not sure what I'll do today. Some crunches? All day? Haha, I don't have the ab strength. But I do see crunches in my future. But not running because I don't want to make myself anymore gross than I am. I'll end up doing crunches for a minute so I'll be negative (for a net). Ok! For me, at 129 (hopefully) I'd burn 16 calories for two minute of crunches. I'm pretty sure I can do that. Hopefully. But one minute burns eight, which places me still negative. Just less negative. Alright... We'll do a minute of crunches and then half a minute of push ups (because I've got fat arms and can't do much longer). That'd be twelve calories, but focusing on two different sets of muscles.

I love caffeine. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to do that math. See, with  the medication I'm on and the empty stomach I have, I'm kinda sensitive to coffee. Because it has more caffeine that soda, I guess? Ahhh~ Coffee.
Alrights~ I'm  off to find a song to go and work out to. I'm thinking...That Girl by ATL.
Have a good day, everyone.