I've Decided.

I like being in school than on break.
Why?

I only feel the need to eat one meal during school.
See, at lunch, I feel like everyone is watching me eat. So I don't eat lunch at school.
Don't have time for breakfast in the morning.
Sometimes, when I was feeling "ok" I ate a snack after school.
That usually led to stomach pains.
Then, a salad for supper.
I'm sick of salad.
I want a huge, fatty hamburger.
Thank goodness I've decided to be a vegetarian.
No huge, fatty hamburger for Alex.
Stayed the night at Anna's the day before yesterday.
Anna stayed here last night.

Anna is turning 15 on the 22.
I'm thinking...of fasting at least one day before Anna's birthday.
Starting tomorrow.
Also, Cassie knows about how I dislike eating.
She'll be at Anna's party.
I have to restrict my eating in front of her.
That way she'll believe me when I tell her that it's so hard to eat.
I'm also going to look super emo in front of her.
Why?
Her and her friends have this thing going where they make fun of emos. And I consider myself to be emo.
It's a fashion. That's all.
Cassie told me cutters are idiots. Maybe we are, but it's not her place to say.
From what Anna says, Cassie pierces her skin whenever she's stressed out.
We cut, you pierce. What's the huge difference? Internal bleeding compared to external?
Yes, this means a new post on my other blog.
Cassie does little that eats way at me.
Telling me I'm an idiot for cutting is one of them.
She doesn't know my story. She can't even remember the part where she was a big part of it.
The physical pain releases the pains that are emotional that I can't get out in the ways I know how. Does that make me an idiot?
I suppose it could.
I want to tell Cassie all my plans.
How I want to starve and fast for nearly a week.
But I only have one bar of battery.
If I text her, it shouldn't be about such sad things.
I may send her a text that says "You know that no matter how bad I hurt myself, I love you, right?"
If she asks why I say that, I may tell her that I'm the idiot not planning to eat for a couple days.
But it's not idiotic.
It's skinny.

Nasimiyu: Hi! I believe this is your first comment on my blog! That's super exciting to see a new name! I kinda don't hope my new therapist is better because the old one was pretty good. In less than a year, with once a month visits, she made me want to believe that I was a worth while person. I have to be pretty to be worthwhile. I type that even as I take a gulp of sugar and other gross things invested soda.

 

Lottie: I think it's because she was in shock that she didn't react to me saying that I don't eat much.

P.S. I have re-fallen in love with Harry Potter. Yeahh

P.S.S. Ok, Cassie is usually going on about how stoners suck and how straight edge (meaning she won't do drugs) she is. Now she's tried pot. Well, then, since you get to be an idiot, then I get to be one. You smoke it, I'll cut. Fucking happy? She was my only reason to not cut.