Okay, first, I got ALL four of my wisdom teeth removed, now I'm having a reaction to the antibiotic and the allergy meds make me feel sick.
But I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, so I'm thinking too much.
Told my mom that I skipped lunch most of the last month of school. Wanna know what she did?
Nothing.
So...Liquid fast until I have to eat?
Sounds hot.
Also, I've been thinking.
Some days, I'm fine being the average weight girl who sleeps perfectly at night.
Other days, I wanna eat under 300 calories for days on end so I'm that girl who wakes up dazed, thinking she's in the hospital because she finally passed out.
I wanna get up and almost fall back down because I'm dizzy.
Oh, with Cassie...I finally asked her out.
It went...not well.
"I'm not going out with you."
"I don't love you, Alex. And I never will."
"I'm sorry."
There are cuts on my legs where I just went crazy.
It hurt so much to read those words.
It was the pain pills I took that had me ask her out.
So why am I still in love?
I've decided that it would be cool to meet people who went to therapy for the same reasons I'm doing it. Cutting and starving. I think I'd fit in, finally.
Still about 131,130,129. Need. Lower. Number. Now.
Lottie It's a very odd feeling, but it's become more comforting. Like, it's relaxed a little, so it's just...there. So it's comforting. Because it means something knows when I curl up on my bed and just...cry.
P.S. My computer is also broken, so I have to use the one in the living area. So I can't really read your blogs except off my phone. :/
I've been to therapy but it was so I could get on antidepressants. I would have just gone to a regular doctor but they never get anything right. My counselor never really talked to me much about my cutting. And when I tried telling him that I had been ED-ed (this was shortly after I had my daughter and was still fat from the baby weight) he didn't really believe me. He said I didn't need to lose weight. It was starting again though and I wanted to lose at least 20 lbs. I've lost about 40 since then. And I still want to lose at least 20 more. I kind of wonder what he would say if he saw me now. Although now that I think about it I went a school counselor for my cutting once. And I went to this supposed "counselor" one time after I tried killing myself. She just wanted me to see a psychiatrist and get on meds right away. I hated her. She asked things like if I had ever seen anything like a hallucination. Yep. Does she give me a chance to say that I over-dosed on who knows what pills and that they made me hallucinate? Of course not. She decides immediately that I am psychotic. I'm not. I can diagnose myself A LOT better than her.
ReplyDeleteDone ranting/rambling. Sorry about that... That really didn't need to be that long...