Finally, A full stomach

Well, I think I'm full. I'm not good at being able to tell anymore. Putting anything in hurts, not eating hurts, and eating too much hurts. I've had enough calories for today, I know that. I'm in the 1000's at least. Maybe even 1500ish. As much as I love it, I hate it. Thoughts about how I'm going to gain all the weight back and be a fat, size 9, ugly little huge brat. It scares me. I hate it.

I also want that high of having only coffee and water. Gosh, I miss fasting. I remember sitting on my floor, giggling to all insanity for hours until the coffee wore off.
I asked Cassie for advice... She didn't reply. Maybe because I didn't say about what..? I wanted her to help me decide if I was strong enough to get through this. She'd say I am. Then tell me how I am. I can't think of how.
I think tomorrow, I'll start a fast that I'll carry out as long as I can. This isn't me giving up. This is me, searching again for that moment of having a reason to laugh. It may not be the best of reasons, but I want it. I wanna feel sneaky, throwing food out the window or in my trash can. I know, you'll all advise me not to. I want to, though, so it probably won't work. I will try though, no matter what anyone says!


Skinny Little Me: I haven't considered professional help because, even though I have a therapist, I told her that I was only eating healthier and that I wasn't really trying to lose weight. I suppose she's guessing I have a problem with eating. She did watch me go from a size 7 to a size 3 in only about 2-3 months. And thank you, but I'm really weak mentally. Everything scares me about trying to be "healthy" and "better", but I know where this type of eating leads and I don't know if I want to walk that road. I totally understand, that ability to change something is intoxicating. I fell in love with it too. Also, comment however many times you feel is needed. The only annoyance I have with it is that for some reason blogger likes marking your comments as spam and I have to go in and say "NOOOO! This is NOT spam!" which isn't really a big deal. :) Woah, this is a long reply.

P.S. CDT is super boring! Luckily, my last day, for a while, is tomorrow. Oh and I found out that J.P. has turned into a complete slut. See, J.R. is dating this lovely girl and J.P. tried to seduce him and say that what his girlfriend didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Anna told me about this and apparently J.R. told her. I need a picture of my middle finger for my friends to use in situations like that. I'm so glad I called J.P. a bitch.

P.S.S. I just danced around my room for about seven minutes. Now, my stomach hurts really bad, but it was sooooo worth it.Also, scale says 131. Makes me believe period=weight gain.
And I feel so bad for Anna. She has to hear me being uber religiously confused.