I'm concerned. Thoughts of thin, skinny, smaller fill me. I need to get there in a healthy manner, but when I think that, a more demanding thought hits me (Don't eat, Alex. You'll be free!) and I can't ignore it subconsciously. I know this is a game of Russian Roulette without a gun, but I can't seem to stop. It's like... I'm still scared of being fat. It's almost as though I can't accept myself like I did a few days ago. I feel horrible. I don't want to slip into that trend and disappoint you guys (and myself) again.
This picture, I believe, represents how I feel. I feel like I'm getting weaker, more unable to tell my disorders no. It's kinda sad. I'm looking forward to guitar lessons because they'll get me out of the house for a while, into a place where I can't eat. It'll give me reason to hide away in my room for hours and ignore food because I'll be practicing. Don't get me wrong, I really wanna learn how to play my guitar...but these thoughts also pop up when I think about how great it's gonna be.
I hope I can get over this alright.
Skinny Little Me, thank you..? Also, your blog makes me feel like I'm staring into a mirror. We're the same age, we're trying to lose weight, little things like that make me feel like that. The only difference is you're enjoying the ride while I'm trying to run from it.
i may be enjoying the ride now, but i am afraid of when it ends. will the ride crash into a brick wall and leave me broken, or will i glide off like the end of a ski lift? I am enjoying it now, but the road ahead is really blurry. I hope everything goes better for you, it honestly does worry me that you're struggling so much. have you considered asking for help? i dont want to sound ignorant, or blind to the fact that you may not want help. but i think that if you're feeling so lost and scared it may help to talk to someone, proffesional or not. i'm here if you need an open ear, but i dont want to pester you
ReplyDeletewishing you the best :)
i also meant in my comment that you're being strong and facing your fears and not collapsing...oh i'm so bad at phrasing things sometimes :( i just meant i admire your mind..
ReplyDeletealso, i may be enjoying the ride now, but the road ahead is blurry. like when you're on a ski lift, you ride up and up but im afraid that when i reach the top i'll fall off and tumble back down to where i started. i am not enjoying my mental state per say, but i am excited that i have the power to change my life. (sorry if this double posts or i leave two similar comments, my laptop is faulty)
I hope you feel better, i genuinely do and i think you deserve to feel as happy as you can possibly be. :)