Wishing Again.

I wish I had a working printer in my room. I have so much thinspiring pictures that would find their way into my sketch book and make it into a book of my wants.
Sure, sure, I pretend to be okay with a size 3, 130 pounds, standing at five foot, six inches, but let me say something.
I'm not.
I'm wanting to be much smaller, at least a one. Size one. And in my 120's. Solidly in the 120's. Not 129 or 128 or 127. 123 or lower would be preferred. That's supposedly a healthy weight for my height.
I wanna be smaller.
I don't want to be one of the fat goth chicks my brother made fun of.
I don't want to be the fat kid that deserved my daddy telling me to not eat.
I just want to be...small. I'm tired of this flabby stomach, legs that touch, arms that jiggle from fat.
I wanna be tiny.
I wanna... I want too much.
I wanna be that girl who guys ask out as she dances away, lost in her own little world.
I know I can never have this. But I'm happy thinking it's possible. I'm happy thinking I can have the world in the palm of my hand.
I'm going through a phase where I want everything and nothing all at the same time.
OH! My friend Anna and I are thinking about using a Ouija board to figure out what is watching in my room. Because something most def. is. It usually just watches, but sometimes makes me extremely cold and lose phone signal (and that's the part that bothers me, losing my signal). I've read some creepy stories about 'em, but even though I expect the worst, it excites me. It doesn't matter to me that looking at some of them makes my head hurt really bad. But, shhh, no one supposed to know that I like "evil" things.
Anna, hurry and text me back! Goodness, woman, I just wanna know that I'm alright. See, all of this excites me. Makes my heart race, makes me eat less when it consumes me...basically sends me into an excited state of mind. It's BEAUTIFUL!

Skinny Little Me: That's ok. I come from a strictly Christian family, and I'm just learning about it right now. I feel a little better. I feel less like I'm doing something based on what may happen and more of what I just want. I like it.

P.S. YAY! She replies! Asking if it's calling to me. Yes! That's how it is! Because of my Christian family and learnings I'm scared, but it seems to be calling. Like fire and how it seems to simply say "touch me, use me, need me". I think it bothers her, though, that it seems to be something I feel summoned to. My parents would say that it's because my Grammy (grandma on Dad's side) was a witch once upon a time. GOSH! Can this girl reply any slower?? I wanna find out what she's getting at! Oh, I get that Anna. Being called to it, giving in, and then being content (again) with the religion. See, I feel torn right now between giving into Wicca completely and believing (though I didn't really follow it) Christianity. Sorry, I feel lost and like rambling.