All day, this has been ringing through my ears: "But what if you get hungry?"
Oh and "What if we get hungry? There's FOOD out there."
See, everyone goes on about how Cassie is so inspiring as an anorexic ("I didn't eat for three day so I could be lovely"), but her roommate, who doesn't say much, expressed all of my feelings in one episode.
Haha, I find it funny that the friend I fell in love with...I used the name Cassie for. Was that a reminder to myself? To be good? Haha, my world seems so sick sometimes.
I believe I'm going to watch Skins some more today. Then maybe take my medication. For real. I'll be willingly medicating myself. Wait...wasn't I doing it willingly anyway? But I quit...because I blamed my lack of creativity on it. Now, though, I'm feeling too alive. I need to come down. Yeah, yeah, so I'll take it. To come down. To be a person, not a bird.
I have to wonder...how would Mommy and Daddy react if I told them everything? I'm bi. I hate eating. I don't know what religion I am, I just know it's not Christianity. Would they brush it away, like with the cutting? Worry for a little bit and then...nothing? Really, I don't know. I can't even guess.
So, I'm gonna watch more Skins! Hehe.
Lottie: I love, love, love your comments. Even if they are long. Actually, I think I like it better when they're long. It gives me something to do and makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. And comments, in general, just make me smile. To be a healthy BMI from where I started, I only really had to lose 5 pounds, but I felt that even though the BMI said I was healthy, I was still fat. I've never had a real, true blue binge. Which I feel so lucky about. Actually, most of the weight I take off by starving, I can keep off when eating normally. Which I think is REALLY cool, but REALLY weird.
P.S. It's raining here. And I have tiny wrists. Which I love. I love my tiny wittle wristies. I'm gonna leave before I decide to say something stupid...again.
My parents did the same thing about my cutting. Like they seemed to think that if they pretend I don't have a problem that it will go away or something. Or maybe I was just too good at hiding it and they didn't care. I don't know. It's been like 4 years and I never completely quit cutting. It's been 4 years since they said anything about it. And if my parents found out that I'm atheist/agnostic that they would pretend I'm not or just yell at me and send me to a church a few times. And if they found out I want to lose weight (my mother seems to think that I'm "really skinny" and such even though my BMI is like 19.3-19.5 or something like that which is healthy) that I would get yelled at and they would try to make me eat. That would result in me purging a lot more often though and after a couple days they would give up. They can't be around all of the time or anything to make sure I eat and don't exercise too much or purge or anything. I don't think my parents really care about me but since my dad is a teacher they care about their image as parents. Like they don't want fucked up kids (and of course I'm the fucked up one) and want to appear like a "normal" family with healthy active children who are smart and blah blah blah and don't really care if I cut as long as no one knows/can see.
ReplyDeleteSorry that was ridiculously long.