I know why I do it.

Cut, I mean. I know why I cut. The meds I'm on allow me to feel more stable, but they eat my creativity. They take it and just rip it to shreds and then hand me the shreds and go "Sorry, I broke it" but sorry isn't acceptable. Not when my creativity is killed. Last night, I sat down, cut my wrist and thigh until I felt alive again. Then, I got up and danced through the rush. So..I wasted it.

I used to do it when life got too rough. When Mommy and Daddy fought, another scar. When I couldn't figure out what I did or didn't do to tick off J.P., another scar. When my friends made me feel like crying, another scar. I'm stronger, more selfish, more needing to feel now. Mom and Dad are fighting? Fuck em, I've got music. Oh, J.P.'s mad at me? Good, that brat needs to be ticked off. Feel like crying? Go ahead. It's not a weakness anymore.
No, I don't cut to feel close to death. Awkwardly enough, I'm doing it to feel more alive. How weird is that?
I feel more... creative today. As though words flow more easily. I'm not having story ideas from everything, but maybe that will come later. It's pretty sad that I didn't know that I had lost it until I tried to sit down and actually write. Characters, places, things everything was all mixed up in my mind and didn't want to come out on the paper. 
In other news, I woke up this morning so weak that sitting up was hard. Now that I'm up, though, I'm good. Don't worry, I'll get some breakfast after I write this up.
I wish I could make you guys feel as beautiful as I feel. Well, will feel after I get a shower. Then again, I don't even feel really beautiful. I feel lighter, which makes me feel more beautiful than I was yesterday. And my feeling of beauty is decided solely on how I feel. If I felt like crap, I wouldn't think I was beautiful.
Alright, I'm going to write an entry in my journal about me cutting, my medication, ect...

Skinny Little Me: They sell it at Wal-Mart, to be honest. I got it for like six, seven dollars, but it's kinda biggish. I'm glad it made you smile. Haha, I'm trying to make happy posts. You should totally try it! Dancing is so much fun! Just dance through your embarrassment!

P.S. I have a sketchbook that I turned into a book of quotes that just inspire me. Sadly, it's only got one page full and they're all about self-harm. I'll look up some about beauty soon! And yes, I like pictures.